My Right To Hurt…..(The Rich Also Cry)

sad-teenager-girl-crying-sitting-floor-under-white-spot-light-dark-background-40834174

I’m so depressed, my boyfriend is cheating on me…

Ah, that’s not important, you have a good job….”

Can you believe what that Pamela has been going around saying about me? I’m so hurt!

“You complain too much sha, thank God you have such and such degrees..”

I feel so lonely, I wish I had a friend..

“With the amount of money you earn, I wouldn’t be worried about not having any friends, go shopping…”

I feel suicidal, I feel like I can’t cope.

“Don’t be ridiculous, so many guys are falling over themselves trying to date you….”

 

It’s not that I don’t count my blessings, I do, each and every day…..when I wake up and when I go to bed but it wouldn’t matter anyway  if I didn’t because I can name at least 30 people who would be happy and willing to count them for me. It’s not even that they need my invitation, NO, my ears are already ringing from their constant reminders of how lucky or blessed I am……You’re so lucky you have a good job, You’re so lucky you’re intelligent, You’re so lucky your parents are still alive, You’re so lucky you have such a close family. You’re so lucky you got that promotion. I really envy you. I wish I were like you. You are my inspiration, God has been really kind to you……..Arghhhhhhhhhh

 

Wouldn’t it drive you crazy as well? I’m so sick of it. It’s not that I am ungrateful, not at all, I more than anyone else know that God has been more than merciful to me but I feel suffocated by the need/expectations from people to show how eternally grateful I am for the small…….actually big mercies that God has shown me. It’s not the fact that people are constantly reminding me to be grateful that bothers me, it’s the fact that for some reason people believe that the traumas, misfortunes, problems, catastrophes that I have gone through are simply inconsequential and not worth recognising since my ‘countless blessings’ make up for whatever hurt/pain/humiliation I might be going through. For the same reasons, I am the type of person who has to wail loudly before someone recognises that I am in pain, weeping silently just won’t cut it and even when they finally recognise my pain, my feelings are instantly dismissed because they do not matter……simply because I have achieved more than the odds for a 25 year old African woman.

 

I never get to have a voice……this is the story of my life! I feel as though I am being punished for having achieved more, having conquered despite the odds even though I am where I am today through sweat, blood and tears. I hate the life that I have, not that it’s not wonderful but because I do not matter enough. People have stopped seeing the real me and have started seeing degrees, intelligence, a privileged upbringing etc. Sometimes I feel if I were to commit suicide, the first comments wouldn’t be of concern but those of reproach, What a waste, her life was great!  or She killed herself, why? I thought she had a good job and all…..(and NO, I do not plan on committing suicide).

 

From a very early age I learnt to shut up about my pain. I did not like to complain or let anyone else know that I was unhappy. I learnt to feel guilty for being unhappy which made me even unhappier, which then made me feel even more guilty and ashamed of myself, which made me even more depressed and then i’d feel even guiltier (if there’s even such a word) for being depressed when I should have been grateful …….in short, it became a vicious cycle.

 

It probably still is the same up to now. I still have to think twice before I tell my problems to people because I’d need to say them at least 5 times before they are taken seriously. I remember once after a very traumatic incident absolutely no-one comforted me and when I tried to reach out to people, they simply told me not to be silly, my life was good, how they envied me! I remember calling my cousin in tears telling her I couldn’t cope anymore……I remember her telling me not to be silly and to compose myself! I was the luckiest person in the world and a lot of people envied my life…..She said to me that she was cooking and that I should call her back when I have had a grip on reality. “Don’t be silly…”  she said, but if only she knew how close I was to the brink at that precise moment! Do you know that a large number of suicides are committed by people who are middle class or higher? Not that it’s a sport for the rich and fabulous or fantastic but statistics show that they are more suicides committed than by poorer people……I guess that is what they mean when they say Money Can’t Buy You Happiness….which is not true……it is because people are too busy thinking that your money should buy you happiness that they forget to make the time to ensure that you are really and truly happy .

 

I guess I am just sick and tired of having to shout in order to be heard. I’m tired of having to stand last in line when it comes to receiving compassion and kindness, cuddles and warmth from other people simply because I have been unduly blessed. Just because God has been merciful to me doesn’t change the fact that I am still human. I have insecurities. I have days that I feel ugly. Periods of time where I feel like the world is crushing on me, closing on me and I cannot breath. There would be days where I would require a shoulder to lean on. There will be months where I would gladly trade my life for yours, weeks where I won’t feel like getting out of bed, mornings where I weep and cry out to God, why me Jehovah? It doesn’t mean that I am ungrateful or have lost sight of the countless blessings that I have……it’s just that I am human and despite the countless blessings and the great mercies, if you cut me open I will bleed! So next time I am in despair and I could do with a friend, please do not recite my numerous blessings…..just give me a hug. I could do with a friend and not a blessings accountant.

 

“For sometimes late at night, when they lay naked in their beds with only the clock ticking to keep them company, long after the safes are locked and the banks are closed, well after their expensive clothes lie in the laundry basket and the jewellery is removed and the Jaguar is parked in the garage. Long after the stock market has closed and the house help has gone home and the curtains are drawn……..they are overwhelmed by a deep sense of loneliness …..sometimes the rich…….actually……..sometimes I, Felly, just like the rich, also cry!”

 

Thank you to my amazing family, especially my sister Mai Sama, who is relentless in ensuring my happiness. Thank you to my soldier – my mother, who would give up everything to see me smile. Thank you to my friends, Vee, Shannon, Sharon, Vimbai, Trish and Ashley, who listen to me rant day in and out without ever complaining. Above all, thank you to my Father – for without you as a friend and advisor, I would never have known true happiness. I appreciate your sacrifices for my happiness, daddy! 

 

Un-Celibate, Condoms and Cows…

i-take-it-you-havent-had-sex-in-a-while

So my celibacy count is down to a mere 6 days, I don’t even know if that still counts as being celibate but a girl lasted a whole 97 days! I thought that was impressive so I took myself out for a lovely meal I could barely afford on my overdraft and drank £35 a glass wine to celebrate this great achievement. I miss being celibate though *insert big sigh here*. I miss being so self-righteous amongst my rampant friends, celibacy was almost like I belonged to some elite, stuffy, boring, uptitty club but now I wish I had just made him put the ‘head’ in lol so that I could technically remain a celibate,  non-condom buying, innocent so and so.

 

Speaking of condoms, God they are so dear! Eh….there is something oddly unsettling about mentioning God and condoms in the same sentence but seriously, last time I bought condoms (now they come free, thank God! But Christ, you should see the quality of these free stuff too, shocking!)…..anyway, the last time I bought condoms, they cost 75 pence each and came in  one shape, one colour and had the same latex taste lol.  I purchased my first condoms at 11…….from my cousin brother aged 6 who had stolen them the local tuck-shop. I was busy playing with my new ‘balloons’ when our maid at the time took it to my mother…..who in an effortless and expert fashion domestic violenced my behind shouting, “Show me where it goes…” the entire time whilst beating the living daylights out of me! I’ve never understood why Black mothers insist on you responding to their questions whilst they dance dangerously on the brink of culpable homicide! I always found it impossible to multitask the screaming/yelling and dancing the two-step as well as logically answering her questions…..but I did became permanently scarred, that buying condoms now has monumental fear attached to it in case mama suddenly leaps out from behind the counter  and shout ‘Show me where it goes!!!’

 

So Him and I are having a ‘thing’. I hate having a thing with a guy. You know that indescribable confusing stage where you have moved past the point of being casual (we speak on the phone for days on end, been introduced as the ‘girlfriend’ to people who really matter i.e., mother! Yes, can you believe it? and he tells me I’m the only person he wants to be with) but for reasons best known to myself, I absolutely refuse to classify what we have as a relationship so ‘a thing’ it is. Things are supposed to be less complicated. I used the word supposed because in reality they are messy and a whole lot complicated. What is a ‘thing’ anyway? Does it give you a license to diversify your man portfolio? Legitimately, I can have a thing with one guy and still do another thing on the side, afterall, we are just having a thing, right? Is a relationship a relationship because you have that conversation where you agree to be exclusive and actually say, ‘yeah, we are now in a relationship’ or is it the case of if it looks like a dog, barks like a dog and lives in a kennel then it is a dog, even if it calls itself a cow? But to save my own sanity……we cannot be in a dog relationship. I insist that what we have is a cow, a non-milk producing, barking, kennel-sleeping dog-look-alike  but I will insist it be a cow nonetheless!

 

This post was especially written for Datmariandage and Tino_Wekwa_Govha, who have been relentless is getting me to update my blog! 

It had been a while you guys, I have loads to update you guys on but work……well, I do need the money so work will just have to come first 🙂

The Morning After The Night Before.

6896801022_647f6a4b5d

So it was my birthday this past Wednesday and you’d think I’d have come back to an overflowing blog with birthday messages but bloody traitors, none of you Judas Iscariots (all non-Christians please see me) even remembered to celebrate my birth with me. I will be charitable though and announce that I have turned 23 again….2 years in a row!

 

I didn’t get up to much on my actual birthday, my work colleagues brought in cake and we basically declared half the day free as there were no managers on site. We watched daytime TV till 5pm when I had to leave for a family dinner and more cake! On Thursday I went out for drinks with a few friends, but I don’t remember much……which is why I need to stop drinking completely! I did take a rather interesting quiz though with results posted below but as I am still quite hungover, my answers may be seriously flawed!

 

Rules: This simple quiz may help you answer the question, Am I an Alcoholic? Give yourself one point for every YES answer. 

 

1. Should you worry about your drinking problem only when you get hospitalised for Liver Disease?

No. Definitely not! You should start worrying when you can no longer make it to the bathroom in time or the hangover hurts so much, you have to call in sick at work and use the excuse, “something escaped from the zoo and I had to help catch it”.

2. Have you ever ordered alcohol with lunch?

I have ordered alcohol instead of lunch so the answer is No.

3. At your local bar, do they know you by the name on your driver’s license/Fake I.D? Do they know your usual drink or who to call when you pass out?

I actually don’t have a usual drink. The usual changes according to the time of the month and is in relation to payday, how broke I am and the person paying for the drinks. The answer is NO.

4. You generally hang out with drinkers at the pub, sellers at wine and liquor stores and you have bartenders and waitresses as friends?

OK. This is stupid! Who in their mid-twenties still ‘hangs out?’ I socialise and I entertain, hanging out is for teenagers. The answer is NO.

5. You’ve mastered acting sober even when you are gone with the wind?

When I am gone with the wind, I act like I’m gone with the wind! Trying to act sober requires too much effort which I could easily put towards getting even more wasted so the answer is NO.

6. You drink all week then take a day off to recuperate?

NO. I don’t drink all week but I can drink one week’s allowance of alcohol in one day then take the whole week to recuperate so the answer is NO.

7. You’re very comfortable drinking alone, whether at home or at the pub.

I never drink alone because I’m too stingy to buy my own round of alcohol. Also, technically you can never drink alone in a pub because you are surrounded by other drinkers. The answer is NO.

8. Do you drive better drunk than when sober?

Well, I have never entered a “Do you drive better drunk than sober” contest to test my driving skills so I couldn’t accurately answer this question. However, I have never had an accident driving drunk or sober so simple logic would indicate that my driving skills either when drunk or sober are very similar so NO.

9. Does your drinking make you careless of your family’s welfare?

NO. I would never put my family through risks they are unwilling to take. If I’m going to be driving with my toes when drunk or at 185mph in a 20 mph zone, I will ask them if they are willing to be in the car and I will carry out a thorough risk assessment beforehand i.e., ask if they are wearing their seat belts so the answer is NO.

10. Is drinking making your home life unhappy?

My home life is unhappy for a variety of reasons, none which include my drinking. In actual fact, drinking makes my home life seem less unhappy so the answer is NO. (BTW, what do you mean by home life? If you live with your 3 cats, does that still constitute homelife?

11. Do you drink whenever you can but occasionally decide that a sober night with your sweetheart would be cool?

This question is irrelevant because I do not have a ‘sweetheart’. I’d have to answer NO to this.

12. Is drinking affecting your reputation?

NO because for that to happen, I’d need to have a reputation in the first place. I was either born without a reputation or I have managed to completely tarnish it into non-existence so the answer is NO.

13. Do you wish people would just mind their own business in relation to your drinking? To just stop telling you what to do?

I just wish people would mind their own business all the damn time and not just in relation to my drinking! As a matter of fact, I wouldn’t mind people all up in my drinking business if it means they will stay out of my home/work/lifestyle related business so the answer is NO.

14. Every morning you wake up with the curiosity of the night before and a headache?

Not every morning! I mean who wakes up with a headache every morning? Surely you’d have visited the hospital a long time ago or registered disabled by now? Besides, I wake up not wanting to remember the night before rather than be curious about it so the answer is NO.

15. Do you sometimes skip breakfast or lunch so that you can have enough money to spend on drinks?

NO. I earn enough money to be able to have both breakfast and lunch and still afford to go out for drinks so the answer is NO.

16. You’re always drunk and can longer handle your drink.

NO. I can definitely handle my drink! To illustrate this point more clearly, I had at least 6  cocktails on Thursday night and my sober cousin told me this morning, “You didn’t even seem drunk at all…” so the answer remains NO.

17. During arguments, do people quickly concede your point rather than risk dealing with you when you’ve gotten drunk?

People concede my points because I make so much sense, also, I am very convincing! Besides, until I have the stamina of Floyd Mayweather, I’d never be confident enough to deal with people so the answer is NO.

18. Do you drink at a certain time everyday?

If you craved a drink everyday at a certain time, it’d be pretty weird wouldn’t it? I’ve occasionally craved a drink everyday but sometimes at 7:15am, sometimes at 12:47pm and sometimes at 16:00hrs! I’m yet to crave a drink at the same time everyday so the answer remains NO.

19. Have you been in financial difficulty as a result of your drinking?

Please refer to question 15 but in case you need further clarification: I was already in financial difficulties way before I even started drinking! Also, when I have drunk all my money nearly to the point of financial difficulty, I am wise enough to put away my wallet and let someone else in the pub pay for my drinks so the answer is NO.

20. Have you ever had complete memory loss as a result of your drinking?

This is just ridiculous! I mean how would I know if I had complete memory loss if I had actually had complete memory loss? Just for the record, I have had partial memory loss like forgetting where my house is but getting the street right so the answer is NO.

21. Has your doctor ever treated you for drinking?

I have never had an illness called “Drinking” therefore never been treated for it. Is it similar to the Flu? I must remember to check that out on Google.

22. Have you ever been in a hospital or institution on account of drinking?

What do you mean by ‘institution?’ Are you referring to a school institution like a university or college or a health institution? I’ve been in a hospital and not because I was drinking but someone who had been drinking had whacked my friend with a bottle so YES, I’ve been in an institution on account on drinking, just not my own.

23. Do you tell yourself you can stop drinking when you want to, even when you keep getting drunk when you don’t mean to?

I always get drunk on purpose so NO.

24. Do you turn to lower and inferior companions when drinking?

LOL. I wish I could answer Yes to this question cause it would be really funny if my friends, who also happen to be my drinking companions ever read this. Anyway, what do you mean by ‘lower’ companions? Do you mean people poorer than me or is it a politically correct term for prostitutes? The answer is NO. I am definitely very open and adventurous when it comes to drinking and all alcohol related activities. I don’t discriminate!

25. Does drinking cause you to have difficulty sleeping?

Actually, drinking makes me sleep better! I go out on a Friday night and sleep through Saturday to Monday morning in recuperation so NO, drinking hasn’t caused me any difficulty falling asleep!

26. Has your alertness and efficiency decreased since you started drinking?

I don’t understand this question but I will endevour to answer it as best as I can. I have never been energy efficient. I do not recycle and I always dry my clothes in the tumble dryer so NO, my energy efficiency has not decreased! If you mean efficiency at work then you are better off asking my manager but in my honest opinion, I haven’t been efficient at work. The only thing stopping me from being fired is my lecherous boss so the answer is NO.

27. Are you definitely worried about your drinking as a result of this quiz?

Definitely not! If anything, I am more confident and sure of my drinking capabilities, which shall remain as were before this quiz!

 

Scoreboard: 

0-1   It is safe for you to head to the drinking cabinet/bar.

2 -3  Watch that drink and work towards getting rid of that beer belly.  

4-5    You’re most likely to be an alcoholic

6-10   Join your nearest AA meeting

10+     I’d have suggested you slit your wrists but that would be classed as “….inciting someone to commit suicide” which is a federal offense and I am unwilling to go to prison on that account.

 

So I have 1 YES and 26 NO’s! It is confirmed, contrary to what my mother, pastor and everyone thinks that I, Felly am not an alcoholic! This calls for a celebration! Anyone care to join me at the pub? The 1st 87 rounds are on me!

 

** the questions are real but the scoreboard is not**

 

 

Sexnorexic!

9ea564ee40d533ce12cbba3b1c7b237a

This post was actually meant to be up at some point last week but it’s almost my birthday and I’ve been stressed……worried I mean! Not only would I be adulting on a whole new level but the “she’s young and stupid” excuse would no longer apply, also, that small issue of finding a husband……which basically shouldn’t apply to me as I am still celibate! I just think marriage is an outrageous expectation of me, given that some of the decision making factors are out of play, however, celibacy has been hard. It’s a bit like being locked in a room with a buffet of all your favourite food and told not to eat a thing. I am worried I have become sexnorexic but I bet this will make mama proud, for not only does she preach abstinence but damn well ensures it is practised with the ruthlessness of an African dictator.

 

I went to bed last night thinking of a multitude of things and playing out scenarios in my head. I do this a lot……roll out an entire theatre, complete with main and sub actors. I dramatise it as well for maximum effect. I am more of an escapist, I hate confrontations unless they are in my head. Anyway, what was I saying…..oh yes, sex. It’s nearly 70 days without any sex and my loins are starting to burn a hole in my lacy underwear, they basically need putting out and I just can’t jump any hapless man like a hyena on heat, I might injure him or myself for that matter. Need to do something about it cause it’s affecting my work. Last week while in a meeting with some colleagues about risk assessment of a drug of some sort……I wasn’t really listening, only went cause there was a cake trolley and I was volunteered in my absence. Anyway, whilst unashamedly stuffing my face with cream cakes I kept staring at all the men’s crotches…..bad form I know but no bulges in sight. Conclusion: All the men in the risk assessment team have small willies…..oh well, at least they get paid very, very well. See what I mean by celibacy affecting my work? I need a new distraction!

 

After work I went to the Cinema solo……the ticket girl…..with lots of zits on her forehead kept giving me the “I pity you smile” all through. I decided to freak her out by staring at her without blinking (I had my afro hair and no make-up), she soon dropped that stupid smile and wouldn’t even look at me as I collected my tickets…..I purposely let my hand go over hers for dramatic effect, she flinched! I laughed so hard in my head and went to watch My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2. Don’t judge.

 

Got home and watched Snapped: Women Who Kill….God, I feel like an outcast typing this you know! It’s like admitting to fancying serial killers but I do like reality crime and I record all episodes on the CI and Investigation Discovery channels. I should be ashamed of myself and start watching conversation-friendly shows like Real Housewives of Atlanta and Downtown Abbey.

 

I went to bed wearing an ex’s T-shirt……not by choice, all nightwear is either in laundry or packed as I am moving home soon. The alternative would have been naked. Insomnia set in and I decided to call my brother in the US knowing fully well that he was asleep. I told him I was pregnant and didn’t know who the father was. He went quiet for a few seconds then said, “You’re so fucked! Mama is going to incinerate your ass!!!” With him woken up, we spoke for 20 minutes about his girlfriend…..the one he wants to dump but is too scared! Coward! Actually, I shouldn’t be too hard on him, she’s so scary! I met her before and she has this permanent eerie smile constantly…….even when we watched Gone With The Wind…..everyone cries after Gone With The Wind, she didn’t.

 

My brother stipulated…..yup, that’s the word he used…..that I must get a man this year. Mama had told him that my other ‘unmarried’ BFF had just been married on April 2nd and her and daddy were getting increasingly concerned regarding my lack of initiative in the matter. I told him to get off my case, men are not displayed in the ‘Reduced to Clear’ section of the supermarket! He insisted…..his word again……that I address the issue or I’ll end up a spinster with my 8 cats. I don’t have any cats, even though I am thinking of getting one. I asked how many spinsters he knew with an Anya Hindmarch  handbag casually draped on their shoulder? I told him before I get a boyfriend, I must get laid first, then I will be ready.

 

My brother told me to get off the phone, he wanted to sleep…….I did…..but not before I told him that his girlfriend had emailed me wedding gown pictures!

 

So back to my initial midnight thoughts……What was I thinking of? Oh yes, how good it’d feel to be cuddled up with my coconut head resting on a man’s chest! Even celibates deserve to have wishful, happy thoughts. I fell asleep and dreamt being chased by cats the size of elephants! Go figure.

 

Disclaimer: I am not pregnant by unknown men. This is important to note as my mother may have discovered this blog and do not want her hurling me to the priest in urgent need of an exorcism…..or better still, exorcise that demon out of me herself!

 

Happy Saturday folks! The sun is shining in Scotland!

 

 

I’ll Take Mine Celibate, Thank You!

mjaxmy03yjmynda1ndrhmzjiytrj

the vagina you’re trying to reach is no longer in service

 

I know it’s disgusting that I promised a story to tell (RE: last blog entry) and then completely went MIA but life has been a whirlwind of late, thrashing me like a rag doll but the mascara is still on and I’m still wearing my heels in defiance, I shall go down in my 6 inch heels if needs must but hopefully not.

 

I still have a job…..and might be going for a better one soon – Thank you Lord cause this economic climate is so scary, many have fallen so I thank God for his Mercy.

 

I have lost weight – even without dieting and haphazardly going to the gym!!!! Miracle! Actually, my gym ought to be sued, what’s with the sabotaging, building a fitness suite right next to a Drive-Through McDonald’s and a Tony Macaroni restaurant such that whilst you’re huffing and puffing, almost spitting your liver out on the treadmill, the smell of freshly made burgers and pasta carbonara wafts through the entire gym and upsets your skinny priorities? Did I mention that you also get money off vouchers for both restaurants with your membership when you sign up? The devil is a liar!

 

I am still single…..and celibate….and even though there has been some male attention, they are all either:

Married and without shame lying that they are not!!! This Satan that roams this earth, I tell you!!!! In my world, no married man will open the cookie jar and get a taste of the double chip, chunky nut cookies…..however, I have friends who do…or did…can’t be sure anymore but I’m a little whatever floats your boat on the matter, if my ramblings on this post How To Date A Married Man are anything to go by.  However, this particular married man refuses to listen to the voice of reason. He even swore on the Bible (God please send down bolts of lightning) and said he is not married. I know his friends…..they confirmed that he is married but the man don tire, he is still protesting! Last week he called me over 28 times back to back, I got scared! I called my friend, she called her brother, her brother called him, the calls ceased! This week the calls have started again, last night the man almost cried on the phone. This is a grown-ass man in his 30’s people!! CHINEKE SAVE ME! I threatened to tell his Pastor (I have no clue what church he attends lol) and he promised never to contact me again. He says he is innocent and that I have been unfair. I told him Sorry, life’s a bitch sometimes, you can’t always get what you want. It will be well!

 

Single BUT just want to take things as they go and wants to go with the flow!! Flow? What flow? Are you a river emptying into a basin that goes with the flow? God forbid such agents of darkness. You don’t know what you want? Really? – a grown man! This one I just blocked on all angles, told him that I am currently out of town lol. I hope I don’t bump into him anywhere!

BTW…..I am all for taking things slow BUT with a purpose! I hate situationships sorta relationships where you’re in a dating limbo and don’t really know what you’re doing. Going with the flow complicates things I think, either you like someone and want it to work or you don’t or you want a fuck buddy – which is allowed too, just not with me.

 

A Player. This one is a friend’s brother. OK. I will explain. See, one of my best friends is male and old enough too (34 to be precise) and this boy is his best pal, his buddy, his bro, U get the drift? OK. Problem though is that I don’t do players, I had my heart broken too many times, it’s just not worth it so I have a discriminatory clause. Did I mention the boy is Yoruba!? Hehe! (those unfamiliar, google Yoruba boys and be amazed at their alleged demonic behaviour when it comes to women and relationships). Anyway, this boy will not let me rest. Last month he bought me a very lush bracelet and just 3 days ago a lovely scarf was delivered to my door! Nobody has ever bought me anything designer before and this scarf looks like it was woven by elves and angels, it is so pretty! I told him I can’t accept the gifts – he says he can’t take them back, they are gifts! So the matter is now out of my hands, I offered a return, he refused to oblige therefore I shall keep!

 

In other matters, my work colleague!!!! See, by virtue of both being African and working in the same office, we now have some sort of friendship thing going but this babe drives me up the wall, I may need the services of hannibal lecter – she needs to be consumed! The issue is, this babe wants a relationship to work by hook or by crook but you should see the boy she wants all this with too……unchallenged gameplayer who you can throw a penny in any direction, let it hit a girl and they’ll happily tell you how this boy has been on their case claiming he is single what not! All lies, I tell you! My babe has gone through bouts of depression, self-pity, anger, anguish – I don’t know what else but she still soldiers on. I must remember to take a leaf out of her book because the girl is dedicated, although slightly obsessed! Abi, she will spirit the relationship she wants out of thin air cause with this boy, his D is at least 20 places as I type this up. I swear!

 

On the other hand, I understand the dark place that she is in because most people by a certain age want to get settled and get married and have kids. I say most because some obviously don’t e.g hermits. You never hear a hermit say they want to get laid, Oh No! They don’t need that human contact, it’s us mere mortals that go gaga if we are devoid of such emotions so I get her 100%! My problem is I need to get laid first before my ovaries explode.

 

About my Almost Doesn’t Count teaser……I came very close to doing the deed with a certain man but in my defence, the Sauvignon Blanc was kicking in and in his defense he was getting drunk too and condomless, so he did what any decent man would do and go down south! I did what any drunk woman would do and lost all inhibitions. I moaned and screamed in climax and passed out in sleep. He was not amused by my antics, apparently, he wanted me to return the favour but to be honest, I should have mentioned to him that I suffer from S&L (selfishness and laziness) when I am under the influence. We still talk and I think he wants a re-run…….but as my wine goggles are now off, there’s definitely no chance of that ever happening!

 

P/S – Does the above affect celibacy? I’d need to google that. I need to know what kind of celibacy I’m on, you know, just like vegetarians, some eat fish and are still vegetarian whilst others are 100% strict! I think my celibacy is gonna have to cap it at the sex – anything else before that should go……I think! Judge not! I know you lot are definitely having sex out there! 🙂

 

Anyway, I hope you are all staying out of trouble. Also, remember God – He is your unwavering friend!

 

 

Lessons Worth Learning…

dpan552l

 

Let me start with a disclaimer LOL.

I love my mother……but I will not pretend like the rest of you do that I am best friends with her. She’s just mama – not a pal, not a BFF, not a friend but just mama LOL.

Anyway, growing up, my mother taught me a lot of valuable things – lessons that were mostly practical and delivered through the use of dangerous body damaging apparatus such as my father’s leather belt, sticks and sometimes whatever was near her that she could throw at me at the time. My mother was a professional at all kinds of lessons that required torture, however, she forgot to teach me the biggest lesson of them all, Under No Circumstances Shall Thou Spit At Random Dudes, especially those hanging around the taxi ranks! I shall never forgive my mother for this oversight…..the tiny shreds of my dignity were completely made a bonfire out of as a result of this unfortunate incident.

 

“He massacred my ass  right in the middle of the shopping district. I ran like the wind towards my mother’s office with my 6 inch heels held firmly in my hands. I mean, what better place to seek sanctuary than in the arms of the woman who gave birth to me? Big mistake! He ran like a tornado and chased me right past the uniformed doorman and the revolving doors whilst still trying to kick my ass with his size 10 clad feet (who knew that men could multi-task? lol). With this random boy still in hot pursuit, I bumped into mama in the reception lobby and my mother being the strong Black woman that she is, decided to take charge of the situation. By taking charge of the situation, my mother wanted to know a) Why I was 20 minutes late for our appointment b) Why I was charging into her office shoeless and out of breathe and c) Why an obviously crazy airtime selling boy was chasing me. But the opportunity to address the situation was completely taken away from me, I did not have the chance to answer because airtime selling boy had already uttered, Ma…..I do not know this girl but can you imagine that she spat right in my face…..like I was common filth! Can you imagine that Ma? “

 

I cannot begin to describe to you what took place after those words escaped the mouth of airtime-selling boy. All I can say is that Hell hath no fury like a woman whose daughter just spat at a random stranger! She domestic-violenced my ass, right there in the reception lobby and in full view of the underpaid receptionist who had on a hairstyle she could barely afford on her wages and was clearly being sugar-daddied  by one of the senior management. It was in full view of the doorman and his weather chapped hands  that had roughed from years of opening doors for management, who were clearly not disabled but were deemed too educated to be carrying out trivia such as opening doors for themselves! For a very brief moment, mama turned to airtime-selling boy and said in her boardroom authority, Mwanangu, let me handle this…….There and then, she took off her high heels, placed her handbag on the floor and proceeded to wallop me in an expert and effortless fashion, not giving a damn about the people who had started to gather.

 

I danced the 2-step with my feet yo-yoing on the ground like I was stepping on hot coal whilst my mother was working in her expert fashion on me. The doorman tried to come to my rescue but almost got his weather chapped hands amputated by mama’s high heels which were landing on different parts of my body in quick successive fashion. I could smell death…..even the plea’s from the underpaid receptionist  were not deterring my mother from disciplining me in full public view. Next thing I knew the doorman was down on his knees, hands held high as if in surrender and crying out to my mother, Ma……please stop! She has had enough. She has learnt her lesson now. Please stop now Ma….My mother went in a bit longer and after she was satisfied the tiny shreds of dignity I had left had been completely made extinct, she ordered me to her office. I swear I could hear my mother offering the airtime-selling boy $10 for the indignity I had him suffer, which the boy unashamedly accepted! I can honestly say that was the best or worst beating of my life….depending on who you were interviewing, my mother or I.

 

Rewind 15 minutes earlier.

You see, I had met airtime-selling boy outside the taxi/bus rank as I was on my way to my mother’s office. OK. It is true that I had spat right at him, in his face  and this is exactly how I had done it – I had looked him right in the eye and had spat at him with all the force that I could fathom! But I can explain because I see you all getting judgmental……Airtime selling boy had asked for it! The boy had literally begged me to do it! As a matter of fact, his exact words had been, If you don’t fancy me like I fancy you, then spit in my face and I will know that you mean it and I won’t ever bother you when I see you get off the kombi (mini-bus). Obviously me being the obedient child that I was taught to be in Sunday School, was not comfortable with his demand but airtime-selling boy had insisted! He had even started to follow me to my mother’s office and I was pleading with him not to, as I would get in trouble with mama if she saw me with a random dude who sells airtime at the bus and taxi rank but no, the boy had insisted. Spit in my face and I will leave you alone……..Spit in m………I didn’t wait for him to finish his sentence, I turned around, looked him right in the eye and dutifully obliged!

 

Fast-forward 3 seconds later….

He massacred my ass  right in the middle of the shopping district. I ran like the wind towards my mother’s office with my 6 inch heels held firmly in my hands.

 

So, lessons learnt!

I woke up missing my mother so much so dedicated to do a throwback post to some of the classic moments we all laugh about now. I say I am nothing but my mother’s child and that is because I am. I would not change a thing about my childhood or her…..for whatever she did was in the hopes that I would mature to the amazing woman that I am today. And in case you were wondering……I WAS NOT ABUSED as a child you guys and my mother is definitely my closest friend!

Happy Monday y’all!