So it was my birthday this past Wednesday and you’d think I’d have come back to an overflowing blog with birthday messages but bloody traitors, none of you Judas Iscariots (all non-Christians please see me) even remembered to celebrate my birth with me. I will be charitable though and announce that I have turned 23 again….2 years in a row!
I didn’t get up to much on my actual birthday, my work colleagues brought in cake and we basically declared half the day free as there were no managers on site. We watched daytime TV till 5pm when I had to leave for a family dinner and more cake! On Thursday I went out for drinks with a few friends, but I don’t remember much……which is why I need to stop drinking completely! I did take a rather interesting quiz though with results posted below but as I am still quite hungover, my answers may be seriously flawed!
Rules: This simple quiz may help you answer the question, Am I an Alcoholic? Give yourself one point for every YES answer.
1. Should you worry about your drinking problem only when you get hospitalised for Liver Disease?
No. Definitely not! You should start worrying when you can no longer make it to the bathroom in time or the hangover hurts so much, you have to call in sick at work and use the excuse, “something escaped from the zoo and I had to help catch it”.
2. Have you ever ordered alcohol with lunch?
I have ordered alcohol instead of lunch so the answer is No.
3. At your local bar, do they know you by the name on your driver’s license/Fake I.D? Do they know your usual drink or who to call when you pass out?
I actually don’t have a usual drink. The usual changes according to the time of the month and is in relation to payday, how broke I am and the person paying for the drinks. The answer is NO.
4. You generally hang out with drinkers at the pub, sellers at wine and liquor stores and you have bartenders and waitresses as friends?
OK. This is stupid! Who in their mid-twenties still ‘hangs out?’ I socialise and I entertain, hanging out is for teenagers. The answer is NO.
5. You’ve mastered acting sober even when you are gone with the wind?
When I am gone with the wind, I act like I’m gone with the wind! Trying to act sober requires too much effort which I could easily put towards getting even more wasted so the answer is NO.
6. You drink all week then take a day off to recuperate?
NO. I don’t drink all week but I can drink one week’s allowance of alcohol in one day then take the whole week to recuperate so the answer is NO.
7. You’re very comfortable drinking alone, whether at home or at the pub.
I never drink alone because I’m too stingy to buy my own round of alcohol. Also, technically you can never drink alone in a pub because you are surrounded by other drinkers. The answer is NO.
8. Do you drive better drunk than when sober?
Well, I have never entered a “Do you drive better drunk than sober” contest to test my driving skills so I couldn’t accurately answer this question. However, I have never had an accident driving drunk or sober so simple logic would indicate that my driving skills either when drunk or sober are very similar so NO.
9. Does your drinking make you careless of your family’s welfare?
NO. I would never put my family through risks they are unwilling to take. If I’m going to be driving with my toes when drunk or at 185mph in a 20 mph zone, I will ask them if they are willing to be in the car and I will carry out a thorough risk assessment beforehand i.e., ask if they are wearing their seat belts so the answer is NO.
10. Is drinking making your home life unhappy?
My home life is unhappy for a variety of reasons, none which include my drinking. In actual fact, drinking makes my home life seem less unhappy so the answer is NO. (BTW, what do you mean by home life? If you live with your 3 cats, does that still constitute homelife?
11. Do you drink whenever you can but occasionally decide that a sober night with your sweetheart would be cool?
This question is irrelevant because I do not have a ‘sweetheart’. I’d have to answer NO to this.
12. Is drinking affecting your reputation?
NO because for that to happen, I’d need to have a reputation in the first place. I was either born without a reputation or I have managed to completely tarnish it into non-existence so the answer is NO.
13. Do you wish people would just mind their own business in relation to your drinking? To just stop telling you what to do?
I just wish people would mind their own business all the damn time and not just in relation to my drinking! As a matter of fact, I wouldn’t mind people all up in my drinking business if it means they will stay out of my home/work/lifestyle related business so the answer is NO.
14. Every morning you wake up with the curiosity of the night before and a headache?
Not every morning! I mean who wakes up with a headache every morning? Surely you’d have visited the hospital a long time ago or registered disabled by now? Besides, I wake up not wanting to remember the night before rather than be curious about it so the answer is NO.
15. Do you sometimes skip breakfast or lunch so that you can have enough money to spend on drinks?
NO. I earn enough money to be able to have both breakfast and lunch and still afford to go out for drinks so the answer is NO.
16. You’re always drunk and can longer handle your drink.
NO. I can definitely handle my drink! To illustrate this point more clearly, I had at least 6 cocktails on Thursday night and my sober cousin told me this morning, “You didn’t even seem drunk at all…” so the answer remains NO.
17. During arguments, do people quickly concede your point rather than risk dealing with you when you’ve gotten drunk?
People concede my points because I make so much sense, also, I am very convincing! Besides, until I have the stamina of Floyd Mayweather, I’d never be confident enough to deal with people so the answer is NO.
18. Do you drink at a certain time everyday?
If you craved a drink everyday at a certain time, it’d be pretty weird wouldn’t it? I’ve occasionally craved a drink everyday but sometimes at 7:15am, sometimes at 12:47pm and sometimes at 16:00hrs! I’m yet to crave a drink at the same time everyday so the answer remains NO.
19. Have you been in financial difficulty as a result of your drinking?
Please refer to question 15 but in case you need further clarification: I was already in financial difficulties way before I even started drinking! Also, when I have drunk all my money nearly to the point of financial difficulty, I am wise enough to put away my wallet and let someone else in the pub pay for my drinks so the answer is NO.
20. Have you ever had complete memory loss as a result of your drinking?
This is just ridiculous! I mean how would I know if I had complete memory loss if I had actually had complete memory loss? Just for the record, I have had partial memory loss like forgetting where my house is but getting the street right so the answer is NO.
21. Has your doctor ever treated you for drinking?
I have never had an illness called “Drinking” therefore never been treated for it. Is it similar to the Flu? I must remember to check that out on Google.
22. Have you ever been in a hospital or institution on account of drinking?
What do you mean by ‘institution?’ Are you referring to a school institution like a university or college or a health institution? I’ve been in a hospital and not because I was drinking but someone who had been drinking had whacked my friend with a bottle so YES, I’ve been in an institution on account on drinking, just not my own.
23. Do you tell yourself you can stop drinking when you want to, even when you keep getting drunk when you don’t mean to?
I always get drunk on purpose so NO.
24. Do you turn to lower and inferior companions when drinking?
LOL. I wish I could answer Yes to this question cause it would be really funny if my friends, who also happen to be my drinking companions ever read this. Anyway, what do you mean by ‘lower’ companions? Do you mean people poorer than me or is it a politically correct term for prostitutes? The answer is NO. I am definitely very open and adventurous when it comes to drinking and all alcohol related activities. I don’t discriminate!
25. Does drinking cause you to have difficulty sleeping?
Actually, drinking makes me sleep better! I go out on a Friday night and sleep through Saturday to Monday morning in recuperation so NO, drinking hasn’t caused me any difficulty falling asleep!
26. Has your alertness and efficiency decreased since you started drinking?
I don’t understand this question but I will endevour to answer it as best as I can. I have never been energy efficient. I do not recycle and I always dry my clothes in the tumble dryer so NO, my energy efficiency has not decreased! If you mean efficiency at work then you are better off asking my manager but in my honest opinion, I haven’t been efficient at work. The only thing stopping me from being fired is my lecherous boss so the answer is NO.
27. Are you definitely worried about your drinking as a result of this quiz?
Definitely not! If anything, I am more confident and sure of my drinking capabilities, which shall remain as were before this quiz!
0-1 It is safe for you to head to the drinking cabinet/bar.
2 -3 Watch that drink and work towards getting rid of that beer belly.
4-5 You’re most likely to be an alcoholic
6-10 Join your nearest AA meeting
10+ I’d have suggested you slit your wrists but that would be classed as “….inciting someone to commit suicide” which is a federal offense and I am unwilling to go to prison on that account.
So I have 1 YES and 26 NO’s! It is confirmed, contrary to what my mother, pastor and everyone thinks that I, Felly am not an alcoholic! This calls for a celebration! Anyone care to join me at the pub? The 1st 87 rounds are on me!
** the questions are real but the scoreboard is not**