Manuals and Handbooks: How Not To Break Up.

How NOT to break-up..

Lately, my life has been quite hectic, plenty to tell but very little time. I start my new job this coming Thursday – better pay, better working conditions, much nicer area but worse snobbish clients, a girl could wish for more but for now, this will do. Went to see my new work colleagues last Wednesday…….the jury is still out but they seem like a pretty decent bunch. I have also been going on much needed night outs with my BFF and other friends and (drum roll) I MET A BOY. Trust me though, there’s nothing boyish about him, just pure, undiluted heart-stopping eye candy of a man straight out of the cover of Fitness Today  (OK maybe saying Fitness Today is really pushing it but he passed the selection process seeing as I am blogging about him lol). But before any of you start to get the popcorn out, nothing X-rated has happened yet but my heart still does treble flips every time I think of him. Will definitely blog about him in the following weeks.


So I was reading this article about men and why they choose to leave relationships. Personally, I think it’s OK to leave a relationship, after all, the pledge “Till Death Do Us Part” only comes at the point of marriage and any point before that people should be allowed to reconsider their options cause relationships are all about searching for something and in searching, you’re bound to follow a few blind leads. However and this is a big HOWEVER, I am not OK with the manner in which most guys….and girls (but mostly guys) choose to leave. Looking back at my own break-up experiences and those of friends, below are the following categories I have come up with. Please feel free to fit yourself in those that suit you best and comment with your experiences.


Like a thief in the night….

You spoke to him the previous night and he promised to pass by the following day, maybe you even make plans for the weekend. Come the next day or the next weekend and he doesn’t show up. You try and phone him and his phone goes unanswered. You phone his friends and they are all being evasive. He doesn’t call, he doesn’t pass by……nothing. No explanation. No good-byes. Doesn’t even have the courtesy to leave a forwarding address. It’s as if he has been wiped from the face of this earth. You alternate between thinking he had an accident, is laying in some mortuary or had to travel out for an emergency. Sometimes he may resurface with a stupid but totally plausible explanation. Other times you will ‘accidentally’ bump into him 6 months later at an event etc and he will try and feed you a cock and bull story about how he went through a difficult time in his life blah blah and that he can explain…….Give him a chance to explain and he is unable to. Maybe he will resurface on Facebook or Instagram but then sometimes, you just never hear from him again.


Like the second coming of Christ…

This one is different from the first. This person doesn’t disappear from the face of the earth but the break-up is completely out of the blue, totally unexpected, catches you unawares! You think you have a good thing going, maybe even making plans to move in together and you’re just there thinking this person is your one and all. They appear committed to the relationship, everything is going fine – your friends love him/her, your sisters adore him and his family is absolutely crazy about you.  You spend Valentine’s Day together, he buys you a big ass present for your birthday and all of your friends envy you………except one day out of the blue he says he’s sorry he isn’t feeling the relationship anymore and he wants space to clear his head, he says he just doesn’t know what he wants. In your head, you’re thinking, WTF!? Like when did you start to feel this way? Was it not yesterday you were calling me your future? But this is not a joke,  they are serious and just like that the relationship is over. No-one can believe you. You cannot believe it either. You really didn’t see this one coming, you thought you were happy together. Dammit!.


Don’t Shoot The Messenger…

This one is pretty humiliating. The person doesn’t have the guts to tell you it’s over so they send their mate to either hint or to tell it to you straight that the relationship is over. Sometimes his best friend will approach you with crap like, “I really like you as a sister and I’m only here to give you some brotherly advice…..Olu/Tendai/Donald is not serious about you and I think you deserve better as he is not ready to settle down yet….” That stupid statement is usually followed by something along the lines of “Trust me, I’m his friend and it hurts me that he treats like that…” or of the variation, “You are an amazing woman and will find someone who will treat you just how you deserve.” The speech will be so long and patronizing. The messenger will give the impression they are looking out for you when in actual fact are doing so for their friend who wants to dump you but doesn’t have the courage to do so themselves.


The Telephone Game….

I don’t know if any of you used to play the “telephone game” in their childhood? It’s that game where we’d all stand in a line and the first person in line would whisper a message into the ear of the next person……the message is passed down the line until the last person in line has to repeat what they were told out loud. Just try and imagine you being the last person standing in line (enough said). You know the kind of break-up where you are the last to know? Where everyone else is aware that he is no longer interested or that he is actually marrying somebody else? I know too many stories involving WhatsApp Messenger and engagement photos of someone you thought you were in a relationship with. Too many. This is just too humiliating. You get mad at everyone for not telling you of your relationship situation but the answer is always, We thought you knew!


With a Bang.

Self-explanatory. He has sex with you a few times. You start to get comfortable with the sex. He craves fresher meat. He dumps you (enough said)…


Hurricane Katrina…

He leaves behind him a trail of destruction, broken dreams. He leaves you devastated , destroys you, your whole being, your self-esteem – everything! He shatters your heart into a million pieces. Some of the damage is irreparable and some of it will be costly and will take time to replace. You are a broken woman. He leaves you feeling like you have lost everything you ever worked for, lived for. You cannot believe this is happening and especially to you. Sometimes you’re in denial, sometimes just so angry with God, angry at everyone. You keep wondering how it could have happened to you. You have to start afresh but just don’t know how.


Big Brother Style.

This is Big Brother and you have been evicted!!! OK. I get this one is self-explanatory. Your break-up is loud and messy. He doesn’t just break-up with you but wants the entire world to know every intricate detail. He is not just content with breaking up with you but wants to humiliate you as well. Hell, he would even put in a notice in the Sunday Times to announce your break-up if he could afford it. He is willing to tell anybody willing to listen what happened between the two of you. Your private life is laid bare. He will even share the juicy details of your sex life, maybe even call you a whore in the process. He will say how lousy you were in bed etc etc such that you just wanna crawl into a corner and die. The whole neighborhood now knows your business. The whole church knows you slept together on the first date. He will not rest until the whole world knows you are not together. You just want to crawl into your bed and hide and you are sick of all the calls people are making to your phone to ask if it is true.


The Fake Gentleman.

You know the drill, he wants to break up with you but is too much of a coward (or as guys like to claim he is too much of a gentleman to break up with you) so he does things to make you break up with him instead. This allows them to successfully pass the buck of the relationship ending on you when it was all they wanted all along.


Sex and the City Style.

Remember when Carrie got dumped via a post-it note? Or when Miranda turned up to see her boyfriend and was notified by his doorman that it was over? There are so many different variations of this i.e., text, email, instant messenger but all of them equally cowardly and very selfish.


It is not that there is ever a good way to breakup with someone and it will always be difficult and painful for one, if not both parties but I still think people should be able to break-up in a sensitive and bloodless manner. Unfortunately, things always end up badly……because if things were not bad to start with, they wouldn’t be ending at all but I think that it is always courteous to break-up with someone in person where possible. Please share your break-up stories so that I can know if I’m talking through my ass as usual.


P/S  – Although I am  aware of how people should not break up, I do not have any answers to how they should….if they need to at all……break up.


Hook-Ups, Wahala and Other Misfortunes….

Only a Fool Breaks His Own Heart….

I have never considered myself to be completely/absolutely, undeniably stupid or foolish but on occasion, if asked to rate my behavior on a scale of 1-10, with 1 being extraordinarily clever and 10 being utterly stupid, I’d rate myself a 9.3 (and that’s with such leniency applied lol). Now I know I wasn’t born an idiot, I cried when the midwife slapped my bottom and I took to breastfeeding like I had read the manual so I am convinced that my transition to idiocy must have happened overnight. I must have been struck by lightening and in a flash turned from reasonably intelligent to thick, as only explains the events of my life since May this year. If there’s anything the last 3 months have taught me is that there comes a point when sharing stops being caring and becomes plain foolishness, especially when the shared thing in question is a man.

I have always had this annoying (and now I realize incredibly stupid habit) of trying to push my ex-boyfriends onto my friends. Now I have mentioned before that I remain friendly with some of my ex’s and I guess my fucked up philosophy that if he turned out to be wrong for me then he just might be right for one of my friends and in turn, it wouldn’t have been a pointless 5 months/1 year/3 years spent with him. Instead, God would be using me for a higher purpose as they wouldn’t be my flaws that would have pushed him away. Hey, I did say it’s a fucked up philosophy, I meant it LOL.

So anyway, 3 weeks ago I decided to try and force an ex of mine onto my friend. Now, this has never worked before for the obvious reasons cause who in their right mind would:

a) Want a girlfriend hooked up by their ex who may or may not have a vendetta against them?

b) Want a man who is their friend’s reject cause why else would he have been dumped if he didn’t have a million and one flaws?

c) The whole idea just screams desperation and no-one wants to be seen as desperate (even when they are really desperate lol).

But on this occasion, luck or so I thought then was on my side. A friend of a friend had been single for a considerable length of time and ex-boyfriend…..well, I didn’t know much about his love-life, I had sort of stopped taking his calls and put down his contact under my list of Back-Ups.

Anyway, friend of a friend visited my flat and I spent that evening extolling the virtues of ex-boyfriend. I lied, exaggerated and unashamedly made up stuff where I didn’t have a clue and it worked. At the end of the evening, friend of a friend was drooling, eyes watering and savoring at the thought of bagging ex-boyfriend. She asked for his number and literally called him there and then – girlfriend wasn’t taking any chances. I felt like saying, Girl, slow down but I held my breath. They spoke the entire night, the morning after and the following afternoon and it was then that I started to have slight misgivings that maybe my idea wasn’t so bright after all……but unfortunately, that horse had already bolted.

Friend of a friend kept calling me to thank me and to ask for advice tips, what he liked blah blah and a part of me wanted to sabotage the whole thing and the other part just really happy for them, after all,  it’s already been established that God was using me for a higher purpose, right? The ex on the other hand was pulling out all the stops – freshly plucked roses by next day delivery, chocolates and lingerie pick-ups, handwritten notes and little poems under pillow (via friend asked to sneak it in). I was jealous. I was starting to think that maybe our break-up had been a little too hasty, maybe I had taken him for granted and never realized all he had to offer  and now there he was, taking a friend of a friend all the way to the moon and back  when it could have been me, ME in that cockpit of that spaceship .

Friend of a friend then calls me about 2 weeks after I had first introduced them and said they were finally going to meet for their first date the following Friday. Girl was excited. She went on and on about how cool he was, how romantic  he was, how sexy his voice sounded blah blah. I listened but deep down, was screaming – I bloody dated the guy for a whole year, remember? She decides to end the call by saying, “You must have been a fool to let him go, U know? Because he seems like such an incredible guy…”

Theeeeeen……my friend calls and diplomatically asks if I could get rid of all my photos with ex-boyfriend as it wasn’t appropriate anymore, given the current circumstances. (Let me point out that I had an entire photo album full of ex-boyfriend and I on a romantic break before we parted ways. I hadn’t disposed of the album simply because a) I looked stunning in all of the pictures and b) I had so much fun on that gate-away and wasn’t about to delete memories cause she felt uncomfortable. Hell, if she was uncomfortable, she wouldn’t have agreed to date him in the first instance).

So the Friday they finally met and apparently, it didn’t go so well. My friend informed me that for some reason or another (I will not speculate lol), ex-boyfriend decided that all he wanted was to be friends blah blah. The phone calls have now nearly but all stopped. They are now no more chocolates and poems underneath her pillow and that bought sexy lingerie can now be archived. I am not gloating, best believe but I am somewhat relieved. Needless to say now, my friend and friend of a friend remain mad at me. They think I set her up or something. She phoned me and hurled all kinds of abuse and rants about him being an ass and me hooking them up. I mean, talk about being ungrateful – was she not the one a few days ago claiming I was a fool to have let him go? Bad case of Alzheimer’s if you ask me.

I hadn’t cried in a while but I cried after taking that abusive phone call. I didn’t cry cause I still loved the guy – NO, I’m currently in love with an amazing man and couldn’t have possibly wanted an ex back. I cried cause the situation was getting increasingly complicated. I cried cause I wasn’t prepared to lose friends over something so trivial. I cried cause of all the photos I had destroyed to accommodate friend of a friend being comfortable. I cried cause only a fool breaks her own heart…

But I definitely do feel sorry for friend of a friend though as I genuinely thought they had a good thing going. I hope that in time, we will all be able to laugh this incident off but never again will I attempt something as foolish as to try and yoke up my friends to an ex boyfriend.

What The Fuck!?

When Love is Not Blind But Ridiculously Short-Sighted…..

Have you ever thought of, bumped into, looked at pictures, reminisced about an EX and thought, What the fuck was I thinking ever being with this person? You know that point when your rose-tinted glasses come off/get broken and you can see the person clearly for the serial cheater, lazy ass thug, loser, good for nothing, jobless piece of shit that they really were? Okay, maybe not so dramatic but you realize anyway so many months after the relationship is over that you were definitely short-changing yourself in a number of ways and you most certainly deserved and could definitely do much better? Well, if you haven’t, I have…

Some of them Ex’s are dead funny – you can laugh it off as I was young and stupid and I didn’t know any better but some of them ain’t so funny. I mean when you hear that he got arrested for rape or now has 6 children with 3 baby mama’s or he beats up his wife or is now dying of HIV or it’s now 5 years down the line since you split up and he still can’t hold down a decent job or maybe he spends 23 hours a day stone drunk, it is at this point that you get goosebumps on your flesh cause you keep thinking, OH MY FUCKING BALLS, that could have been my husband!!!! It is in that moment that you do your happy dance, breathe a sigh of relief and thank God for not always granting prayers but sometimes dragging us out of potential fires and frying pans even though we fervently prayed for Him to let us be yoked to these potential frying pans till death do us part. Who knows the kind of lives we would be living right now if we had remained yoked to these WTF kinda dudes?

Sometimes we are so eager to be with someone just to make things work simply because we love them, such that we become ridiculously short-sighted and live for the day, forgetting to think realistically – whether or not we could spend the rest of our lives with a man who is always drunk and cannot hold down a steady job or who keeps getting into trouble with the law and several baby mama’s. I don’t believe that love is blind cause 97% of the time we are aware that he is violent, cheats, controlling, a drunkard etc but we tend to brush it off thinking that he will change, it’s just a phase or it’s really not a big deal…..but wait until you have children together who needs fed and clothed and he spends all of his income on bitches, popping bottles in the club and you’re in the A&E day in, day out cause of those bruises he tattooed on you whilst drunk then you can tell me it’s just a phase, OK dear. My aunt taught me one important thing (not that I always follow her advice) but she said never to date a man I cannot envisage as a potential father to my children. As women, we have this stupid mentality that ‘love conquers all’ but the more important question is what is that ‘ALL’ that love is conquering? Is it all the drink, conquering all the bitches, drugs, infidelity, unemployment, recklessness or violence? I will admit, love conquers some things and some problems but when it comes to some of these problems that we expect love to conquer…..Hell, even Napoleon’s army would be lucky to come out of the battle alive.

Generally, I’m proud of my EX’s, proud of who they are, what they have managed to achieve and the possibility that by being in their lives for a year or 2, I might have contributed to the success of the men they are today. However, I do have an X that I wish I could just discount when logging the little black book of ex-boyfriends, the one I’m too embarrassed to introduce to any of my friends and the one that will make me change direction when I see him coming. With this ex, I try so hard to introduce him to people as an ‘old friend’ rather than an ex-boyfriend – he gives me a WTF moment whenever I think of him, see him or any of his pictures.

My WTF Ex-boyfriend didn’t do anything as dramatic as having 3 baby mama’s, do time in Her Majesty’s Prison or get arrested for a criminal offence….his crime was failing to make something of himself. OK, let me explain for a lil bit before you label me shallow. We started dating when I was 18 and he was 20. First love, first fuck, first everything. I loved him when he had nothing and he loved when I had nothing – he then gets his first job as a cashier in Burger King and I get mine as a Support Worker.  One year later, we are still dating, I get into LAW School and he is still at the checkout in Burger King. A few years later, exactly 2 years after we started dating, we split up, nothing to do with him being at Burger King, a lot to do with him being violent and controlling but that’s a story for another day…

So roughly 4 years since I knew him, I get my LAW Qualification and he is still at Burger King. To cut a long story short, I go back to college to start on a new qualification and all, I even get a full-time professional job and dude is still at Burger King, not even promoted to Floor Manager, working with 16/17 year olds as a 26 year old man with no ambition whatsoever in life (I have nothing against working at a fast-food chain, after all, they have corporate ladders you can climb).

So every time one of my friends walks into the branch of Burger King WTF dude works in, they always make it a point to rub it in, making silly jokes like if I had been married to him, I’d have been entitled to free burgers and fries for 6 years running and all I can think of is what the fuck?……OK! I must admit though, there was a time I didn’t feel this way, a time when I was seriously in love with him and wanted to spend the rest of my earthly and eternal life yoked to this guy but that is way, way back in the past and as for now, what I feel when I think of him, see him or reminded of him is What The Fuck…..WTF……..WHAT THE FUCK!?

p/s – for the record (just so I don’t get hassled by the men on here), I’m sure there are WTF kind of girls out there too.