Manuals and Handbooks: How Not To Break Up.

How NOT to break-up..

Lately, my life has been quite hectic, plenty to tell but very little time. I start my new job this coming Thursday – better pay, better working conditions, much nicer area but worse snobbish clients, a girl could wish for more but for now, this will do. Went to see my new work colleagues last Wednesday…….the jury is still out but they seem like a pretty decent bunch. I have also been going on much needed night outs with my BFF and other friends and (drum roll) I MET A BOY. Trust me though, there’s nothing boyish about him, just pure, undiluted heart-stopping eye candy of a man straight out of the cover of Fitness Today  (OK maybe saying Fitness Today is really pushing it but he passed the selection process seeing as I am blogging about him lol). But before any of you start to get the popcorn out, nothing X-rated has happened yet but my heart still does treble flips every time I think of him. Will definitely blog about him in the following weeks.

 

So I was reading this article about men and why they choose to leave relationships. Personally, I think it’s OK to leave a relationship, after all, the pledge “Till Death Do Us Part” only comes at the point of marriage and any point before that people should be allowed to reconsider their options cause relationships are all about searching for something and in searching, you’re bound to follow a few blind leads. However and this is a big HOWEVER, I am not OK with the manner in which most guys….and girls (but mostly guys) choose to leave. Looking back at my own break-up experiences and those of friends, below are the following categories I have come up with. Please feel free to fit yourself in those that suit you best and comment with your experiences.

 

Like a thief in the night….

You spoke to him the previous night and he promised to pass by the following day, maybe you even make plans for the weekend. Come the next day or the next weekend and he doesn’t show up. You try and phone him and his phone goes unanswered. You phone his friends and they are all being evasive. He doesn’t call, he doesn’t pass by……nothing. No explanation. No good-byes. Doesn’t even have the courtesy to leave a forwarding address. It’s as if he has been wiped from the face of this earth. You alternate between thinking he had an accident, is laying in some mortuary or had to travel out for an emergency. Sometimes he may resurface with a stupid but totally plausible explanation. Other times you will ‘accidentally’ bump into him 6 months later at an event etc and he will try and feed you a cock and bull story about how he went through a difficult time in his life blah blah and that he can explain…….Give him a chance to explain and he is unable to. Maybe he will resurface on Facebook or Instagram but then sometimes, you just never hear from him again.

 

Like the second coming of Christ…

This one is different from the first. This person doesn’t disappear from the face of the earth but the break-up is completely out of the blue, totally unexpected, catches you unawares! You think you have a good thing going, maybe even making plans to move in together and you’re just there thinking this person is your one and all. They appear committed to the relationship, everything is going fine – your friends love him/her, your sisters adore him and his family is absolutely crazy about you.  You spend Valentine’s Day together, he buys you a big ass present for your birthday and all of your friends envy you………except one day out of the blue he says he’s sorry he isn’t feeling the relationship anymore and he wants space to clear his head, he says he just doesn’t know what he wants. In your head, you’re thinking, WTF!? Like when did you start to feel this way? Was it not yesterday you were calling me your future? But this is not a joke,  they are serious and just like that the relationship is over. No-one can believe you. You cannot believe it either. You really didn’t see this one coming, you thought you were happy together. Dammit!.

 

Don’t Shoot The Messenger…

This one is pretty humiliating. The person doesn’t have the guts to tell you it’s over so they send their mate to either hint or to tell it to you straight that the relationship is over. Sometimes his best friend will approach you with crap like, “I really like you as a sister and I’m only here to give you some brotherly advice…..Olu/Tendai/Donald is not serious about you and I think you deserve better as he is not ready to settle down yet….” That stupid statement is usually followed by something along the lines of “Trust me, I’m his friend and it hurts me that he treats like that…” or of the variation, “You are an amazing woman and will find someone who will treat you just how you deserve.” The speech will be so long and patronizing. The messenger will give the impression they are looking out for you when in actual fact are doing so for their friend who wants to dump you but doesn’t have the courage to do so themselves.

 

The Telephone Game….

I don’t know if any of you used to play the “telephone game” in their childhood? It’s that game where we’d all stand in a line and the first person in line would whisper a message into the ear of the next person……the message is passed down the line until the last person in line has to repeat what they were told out loud. Just try and imagine you being the last person standing in line (enough said). You know the kind of break-up where you are the last to know? Where everyone else is aware that he is no longer interested or that he is actually marrying somebody else? I know too many stories involving WhatsApp Messenger and engagement photos of someone you thought you were in a relationship with. Too many. This is just too humiliating. You get mad at everyone for not telling you of your relationship situation but the answer is always, We thought you knew!

 

With a Bang.

Self-explanatory. He has sex with you a few times. You start to get comfortable with the sex. He craves fresher meat. He dumps you (enough said)…

 

Hurricane Katrina…

He leaves behind him a trail of destruction, broken dreams. He leaves you devastated , destroys you, your whole being, your self-esteem – everything! He shatters your heart into a million pieces. Some of the damage is irreparable and some of it will be costly and will take time to replace. You are a broken woman. He leaves you feeling like you have lost everything you ever worked for, lived for. You cannot believe this is happening and especially to you. Sometimes you’re in denial, sometimes just so angry with God, angry at everyone. You keep wondering how it could have happened to you. You have to start afresh but just don’t know how.

 

Big Brother Style.

This is Big Brother and you have been evicted!!! OK. I get this one is self-explanatory. Your break-up is loud and messy. He doesn’t just break-up with you but wants the entire world to know every intricate detail. He is not just content with breaking up with you but wants to humiliate you as well. Hell, he would even put in a notice in the Sunday Times to announce your break-up if he could afford it. He is willing to tell anybody willing to listen what happened between the two of you. Your private life is laid bare. He will even share the juicy details of your sex life, maybe even call you a whore in the process. He will say how lousy you were in bed etc etc such that you just wanna crawl into a corner and die. The whole neighborhood now knows your business. The whole church knows you slept together on the first date. He will not rest until the whole world knows you are not together. You just want to crawl into your bed and hide and you are sick of all the calls people are making to your phone to ask if it is true.

 

The Fake Gentleman.

You know the drill, he wants to break up with you but is too much of a coward (or as guys like to claim he is too much of a gentleman to break up with you) so he does things to make you break up with him instead. This allows them to successfully pass the buck of the relationship ending on you when it was all they wanted all along.

 

Sex and the City Style.

Remember when Carrie got dumped via a post-it note? Or when Miranda turned up to see her boyfriend and was notified by his doorman that it was over? There are so many different variations of this i.e., text, email, instant messenger but all of them equally cowardly and very selfish.

 

It is not that there is ever a good way to breakup with someone and it will always be difficult and painful for one, if not both parties but I still think people should be able to break-up in a sensitive and bloodless manner. Unfortunately, things always end up badly……because if things were not bad to start with, they wouldn’t be ending at all but I think that it is always courteous to break-up with someone in person where possible. Please share your break-up stories so that I can know if I’m talking through my ass as usual.

 

P/S  – Although I am  aware of how people should not break up, I do not have any answers to how they should….if they need to at all……break up.

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15 thoughts on “Manuals and Handbooks: How Not To Break Up.

    1. I’m definitely a Hurricane Katrina victim as well……and With A Bang, however, with the later, I’ve told myself it takes 2 to tango therefore we were both benefactors of the relationship or whatever it is that we had at the time.

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  1. I was dumped for Jesus. Literally douche bag said and I quote “vu I’m leaving you because I found the Lord. I found Jesus and you are the devil.” End quote
    I laugh about it. He came back and apologised months later. I played hard to get. Back to the dumping. Crazy piece of meat really.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. LMAO dumped for Jesus and yet I complain about my life? LOL. I cannot even begin to contemplate your reaction. I don’t think I would have been hurt though, better left for Jesus than for another woman!! U need to blog about this. It’d make my day 🙂

      In terms of the post, men are generally cowards. They’s save a lot of hearts just by being upfront. How hard can it be?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I felt hurt but I got past it. When he came back I asked him if he missed the devil so much. Stupid man. Ooohhhh i will blog about it. First I wanna blog about the conman. Jesus. I’ve had the worst weekend.

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      2. He came back and you welcomed him in? The things we do for this love! Ah! foolishness lol

        Conman? CONMAN? Hehehe. I’ll be stalking my reader. Please make it the conman story, our part 3 and the dumped for Jesus!!! That’ll be I’ll need to read for the week hehe

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Hahahahahaha damn so interesting. Mine was the hurricane Katrina. Came so strong, destroyed everything so fast and left instantly urgh! But these men oooh

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hurricane Katrina is so common but mostly because most men are cowards who would rather bottle up their true feelings than see it outright that they don’t think the relationship is working for them. See, I don’t understand this logic and I feel it’s a cruel thing to lead someone on when all the while you know your true intentions. It destroys with the force of a hurricane sadly 😦

      Liked by 1 person

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