Happy New Year everyone. Long overdue but at least I have said it. Remember, it’s the thought that counts. Anyway, several things have happened to me, some of which are life changing but too boring to blog about and some that I could blog about but at the risk of a Defamation of Character civil suit which I’d rather avoid. I was actually going to blog about recent developments in my love life….or lack thereof but since I’m still trying to make sense of that situation, I’ll leave it for my next blog post but I’m telling you, my spirit is in oneness with the nuns and all those who dedicate their lives to love of God and no other. I’ve been taught lessons for life. Anyway, I figured I’d confess my sins instead and the times mama danced dangerously on the brink of culpable homicide in an effortless fashion to get me on the straight and narrow. So here goes my 10 honest sins and their subsequent consequences. Enjoy.
1. My mother almost killed me for playing with a condom I had found in my brother’s bedroom. She kept screaming, ‘Show me where it goes….’ whilst beating the living daylights out of me. I became permanently scarred such that even in my adulthood, my heart is almost leaping out of my chest buying condoms in case mama jumps from behind the counter and asks for Show and Tell of where it goes!
2. I once ‘shared’ a man with my cousin as she was not convinced that a certain guy was an expert at handling a woman so I agreed to let her experience it for herself! Big mistake, sisi delivered the news to mama as soon as she arrived home from work who then proceeded to shambock us for trying to run a prostitution ring in her yard!
3. Whilst on holiday at my grandparents, I wrote a letter to my dad bitterly complaining of my grandmother’s alleged (false)
cruel treatment of me. All I was hoping for was for my parents to then collect me back to the city but No, my mother decided to drive all the way from Norton to Gokwe with the letter and forced me to read it out loud in front of my grandparents and several other people. And in true domestic violence fashion, disciplined me for lying and decided to leave me in Gokwe for the during of the holiday. The treatment became accurately cruel(and not false) for the duration of that holiday.
4. I was nearly expelled from Primary School for writing explicit letters with hand drawn pornographic images. My mother has never forgotten this and she tattooed scars all over my body with her trademark weapon of choice – shamhu yemuHabrose!
5. I once got my mother to fire a new maid because she had too many pimples on her face and I refused to eat what she cooked. My father concerned that I was not eating, got mama to fire the house girl. My mother disciplined me in my father’s absence for being shallow and turned me into the maid for the remainder of the school holidays.
6. I was once chucked out of our local church together with my cousin for being inappropriately dressed. Apparently, our skirts were just not the recommended length for a place of worship. Word obviously got back to my mother who took upon the task of clearing out our wardrobes and throwing away anything that was above the knees. In simpler terms, she left us with no clothes that were not trousers, maJuzi and school uniforms.
7. When still in Junior School, I was so ashamed of an uncle of mine (he had a long beard and had just come from the village) whom my parents had assigned the role of dropping me off at school and picking me up. So I lied to this uncle of mine that adults were not allowed on school premises and that he had to drop me just at the corner. The school then sent my mother a letter demanding to know why I was showing up at school unaccompanied as it was against school policy. My mother after questioning my uncle and realising what I had done, almost sent me to an early grave for being ashamed of my relatives.
8. Mama once made my sister and I
choke on eat an entire pot of rice (nearly to death) for her entertainment (not strictly true but painfully accurate). We had gone to our neighbors house and ate our dinner there because it was chicken and rice and we were sick of the Vegetarian (Sabbath) Saturdays. When we got back home, my mother cooked a massive portion of rice and chicken for my sister and I and forced us to finish it all otherwise we would really know who she was. She still beat us up for making the neighbors think that she starved us!
9. My mother once made my cousin and I (same cousin from sharing a man and expelled from church) spend 4 hours outside our front gate in a hailstorm for dodging church and going for lunch with guys at the same Chicken Inn someone who knew her happened to be. After being made to chill for 4 hours in the cold rain, she still walloped us for not respecting the Sabbath and keeping it holy!
10. My brother who was 7 at the time once got me at age 10 to electrocute myself on a socket claiming that it would feel nice. My mother in an effortless fashion, tattooed his behind, his face and his back screaming ‘is this nice’ over and over again. She then disciplined me for being foolish enough at 10 to listen to a 7 year old boy and almost killing myself in the process.
Now that confession time is over and it’s been made known that I have done a lot of maturing since, why not turn this into a “TAG” continuation? The rules are simple, Tag at least 4 bloggers to do posts about random, less serious facts about themselves. It could be sins, childhood memories or the “I Bet You Didn’t Know I Could…..” kinda posts. Keep it interesting folks. I love a good read! 🙂
P/S – I was NOT abused as a child you guys. The disclaimer is there just in case my mum ends up in prison for child neglect and on various child abuse charges allegedly committed in the 90’s LOL. Instead, I was provided with a safe, fulfilling, nurturing and loving home which made my dreams and come true in my wildest imaginations. I thank God for my mother and I do, with all of my heart love and adore her!
Hope 2016 has been great for everyone so far!
** this post was edited to reflect TAGGED on 2/05/2016**