I’ll Take Mine Celibate, Thank You!

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the vagina you’re trying to reach is no longer in service

 

It’s disgusting that I promised a story to tell then went MIA, but life has been a whirlwind of late, thrashing me like a rag doll but the mascara is still on and I’m still wearing my heels in defiance, I shall go down in my 6 inch heels if needs must, hopefully not.

 

I still have a job…..and might be going for a better one soon – Thank you Lord cause this economic climate is so scary, many have fallen so I thank God for his Mercy.

 

I have lost weight – even without dieting and haphazardly going to the gym!!!! Miracle! Actually, my gym ought to be sued, what’s with the sabotaging, building a fitness suite right next to a Drive-Through McDonald’s and a Tony Macaroni restaurant such that whilst you’re huffing and puffing, almost spitting your liver out on the treadmill, the smell of freshly made burgers and pasta carbonara wafts through the entire gym and upsets your skinny priorities? Did I mention that you also get money off vouchers for both restaurants with your membership when you sign up? The devil is a liar!

 

I am still single…..and celibate….and even though there has been some male attention, they are all either:

Married and without shame lie that they are single! Satan does work overtime! In my world, no married man will open the cookie jar, however, I have friends who do…or did…but also, I’m a little whatever floats your boat on the matter, if my ramblings How To Date A Married Man are anything to go by.  Back to this married man, he refuses to listen to the voice of reason. He even swore on the Bible (God please send bolts of lightning) saying he is not married. I know his friends…..they all confirmed he is married, however, he don tire, he still protests! Last week he called me over 10 times back to back, I got scared! I called my friend, she called her brother. Her brother called him. The calls ceased. This week the calls have started again. Last night the man nearly cried on the phone. Jehovah save me! I threatened to tell his Pastor (I have no clue what church he attends lol) and he promised never to contact me again. He says he is innocent and that I have been unfair. I told him pele but life is a bitch sometimes, It will be well!

 

The men are SINGLE but want to take things slow and go with the flow! Flow? Where do you want ‘flow’ to? I’m 25 and really have no time to be ‘flowing’. God forbid such agents of darkness who do not know what they want. You’ll even hear one say, I don’t know what I want? Like really? At your age? A whole 34 years on this universe and you don’t know what you want? Anyway,  I just blocked this one on all angles, told him that I was currently out of town. I hope I don’t bump into him anywhere!

Disclaimer: I am all for taking things slow, however with a purpose! I hate situationships and dating limbos where you don’t really know what you’re doing. ‘Going with the flow’ complicates things, make up your mind. You either like someone or you do not or maybe you just want a fuck buddy – all allowed, just not with me.

 

A Player. This one is a friend’s brother. Let me explain. One of my BFFs is male and old enough (34 to be precise) and this boy is his best pal, his buddy, his bro, U get the drift? Problem is I have a discriminatory clause when it comes to Players, as I have had my heart broken too many times. Then he is Yoruba (Google them!). Anyway, the boy will not let me rest. Last month he bought me a very lush bracelet. Nobody has ever bought me anything designer before so I told him I cannot accept the gift. He said he can’t take it back, it’s a gift! Therefore the matter is now out of my hands, I shall keep the bracelet.

 

In other matters, my work colleague! See, by virtue of both being African and working in the same office, we now have a friendship thing going but this babe, sigh! I may need the services of hannibal lecter – she needs to be consumed! The issue, this babe wants a relationship to work by hook or crook but you should see the boy she wants all this with, commander in chief of all players! My babe has gone through bouts of depression, self-pity, anger, anguish, yet she still soldiers on. I must remember to take a leaf out of her book because the girl is dedicated, although slightly obsessed! Abi, she will spirit the relationship out of thin air cause with this boy, he is at least 20 places as I type this. He is incapable of faithfulness. 

 

On the other hand, I understand the dark place that she is in because most people by a certain age want to get settled and get married and have kids. I say most because some obviously don’t e.g hermits. You never hear a hermit say they want to get laid, Oh No! They don’t need that human contact, it’s us mere mortals that go gaga if we are devoid of such emotions so I get her 100%! My problem is I need to get laid first before my ovaries explode.
In other news, I came close to doing the deed but in my defence, the Sauvignon Blanc was kicking and in his defense he was getting drunk……and condomless, so he did what any decent man would and went South. I did what any drunk woman would and lost all inhibitions. I moaned and screamed in climax and passed out in sleep. He was not amused! Apparently, he wanted me to return the favour but in all honesty, I should have mentioned how I suffer from S&L (selfishness and laziness) when under the influence. We still talk and I think he wants a re-run…..but as my wine goggles are now off, there’s definitely no chance of that ever happening!

 P/S – Does the above affect celibacy? I need to google that. I need to know what kind of celibacy I’m on, you know, just like vegetarians, some eat fish and are still vegetarian whilst others are 100% strict! I think my celibacy is gonna have to cap it at the sex – anything else before that shouldn’t matter, I think! But, judge not! I know you people are definitely having sex out there! 

 Anyway, I hope you are all staying out of trouble. Also, remember God – It’s never too late! 

 

 

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10 thoughts on “I’ll Take Mine Celibate, Thank You!

    1. Hehehe. Typed this up in the public library, using public WIFI and drinking cheap coffee! It’s amazing the ‘flow’ you can get when blogging in poverty haha. As for celibacy…….it shall continue. I think today is Day 37 or 38! I think I am doing well….Thanks for reading 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  1. You. Noooo. I need more. Ahhh. Lol.
    Each part of this piece needs a story by itself. Hahahaha. I need more. But I’ve seen you’ve been having too much fun either way. Lol ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Girl…….I get the most random things happening to me I tell you but fun…? Not really! Do you know the amount of effort it takes to fend off unwanted attention? I stay in fear of the married man’s wife coming for me, poor woman, she probably thinks I’m the one after her man. I will light a candle for her when I go for my church fellowship on Friday!

    Do you not want the player? Fine boy that one hehe

    Like

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