I’m Sending You This Four Paged Letter….

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*Emotional Post Alert*

To Whom It May Concern…

 

I wasn’t going to write to you cause there was no point whatsoever in doing so. I mean if you never realized it back then you certainly won’t realize it now, even if I were to write it in blood and hang it on a 10 foot banner on the tallest building. I thought writing to you would be weakness on my part but I am not weak, in fact, I refuse to be weak and even though I am still not strong, I refuse to give in to my weakness. My friends said I should tell you (or write to you as I have chosen). They said that I owe it to myself. They said that only after I have poured out my heart to you……actually not just my heart but my pain too….would I be able to release my demons and be completely free and ready to move on. My friends reminded me that I had already moved on physically because I had managed to get up and walk and get on with my everyday activities but they also said that I had left my soul behind at that precise moment that you had broken and stamped on my heart and that I had to go back and pick up my heart even though it was all broken and in shreds – for it was mine and without it, I was restless! I was told that I was losing sense of the woman I am because a part of me was still trapped in the day my heart was shattered. My friends said that I needed to heal…..but I could not heal without being cured…..and I could not be cured until I got the right treatment…..but for me to get the right treatment I needed to know the source of my pain. They suggested that I go back to the source of my pain and face my demons so that I could to tell them to flee but for me to be able to do that I needed answers……and that is why I am writing you this Four Paged Letter.

 

I could be the bigger person and say I hope this letter finds you in good health but I really have no strength to pretend so I’ll just say it as it is. I don’t wish you well but neither do I wish you any harm, and if that makes me any less of a woman then I’m quite happy being a child. As I’m typing this, my heart feels what my lips cannot convey – I have so much I want to say to you but I just don’t know the words, I can only feel them. I have unanswered questions that only you can answer but the same questions I’d much rather have unanswered. I feel like a horse that was being groomed to compete in the races. Day by day the horse was trained and was made to work twice as hard and when the horse was finally ready for the races and fit enough to compete, the owner cut off its legs so that it wouldn’t compete. If you can understand this analogy then welcome to a fraction of my pain.

 

I loved you…..but please don’t ask if I still do because even I don’t know if that question even has any answers to it but right now, this hour, this very second  I feel more pain than love…..more hurt than disappointment and more hate than remorse. I am not hurt because you are no longer mine, Oh No, how can that be? How can I own what was never mine, what I never had? Even the Law states that ownership is 3/4 possession and I never possessed you, I thought I had but in reality, I never really. It’s not the fact that the relationship is over that hurts, it’s not even because I loved you or the timing was wrong….(you could have timed it better though, it had just been 3 weeks after I had lost a child – our child, something that we could have loved for the rest of our lives, someone who would have added meaning and enrichment to our existence)….What hurts is that I meant so little to you when you were my entire world. It hurts that you encouraged me to fall further deep in love with you only for you to crush me and walk all over the my suffocating heart without even paying my pain any attention. It hurts that you packed up your heart – which was already packed and belonging to somebody else and bolted out of my life.

 

When you were wondering what to do with your life, I supported you. I was there for you. I felt and shared in your pain when you were going through a rough time. I spoke to God about you more than I did about myself……I know it meant little to you, wasn’t much in your eyes but I did it anyway and I did it with my heart because I believed in you. I mean how could I not believe in you when you were the man that I loved? I wanted us to work despite it all – I breathed us, wanted and prayed for us to happen. You told me that we would be OK, that you wouldn’t give up on me and I believed you. I was doubtful at first but you assured me that even though things seemed confusing for the moment, you would sort it out and we would do just fine. I was scared but I took a leap of faith….or at least I thought I had. I had to, at least for once in my life give up myself to somebody wholeheartedly and risk it all for true love – an elusive emotion that I can’t even touch! I loved you…..and you knew that you were everything that I had hoped for, prayed for and that I had waited all my life for you. I supported you together with your dreams and aspirations, why wouldn’t you do the same for me?

 

What did I ever do to you that you felt you needed to hurt me like that? Did I mean so little to you that you never wished the best for me? I gave you my all and you at least owed me that. I put my life on the line to love you, I shifted my plans around to accommodate you (remember my move to the Midlands to be closer to my family and how it never happened because of you? Because all I wanted was to be close to you…) I have so many questions that only you can answer. I honestly believe that if you could treat me the way that you did then you honestly never cared, after all, love knows no spite. I remember how you told me that you loved me, I was your world – were those all lies? Did I ever, even for a second make a fleeting stop to your heart? When you said you’d always love me, flaws and all, were those just words? Why did you encourage me to fall in love when it never meant that much to you, WHY? It’s like you put a pavement beneath me to walk on and as I was starting to walk, you pulled that pavement from beneath me and caused me to fall into a deep hole. You took away the belief that I had in love and now love shall forever be tied to my heart breaking.

 

You might not have thought about it at the time…….it was never your problem, not your problem because I should have known better than to love someone to emotional bankruptcy but if you had truly loved me then the impact of my heart breaking wouldn’t have escaped you……you would have been man enough to apologize for it. You have probably moved on…..well, of course you have but I am not jealous. I will let you go because I love you…….I loved you and it’s the least I can do to prove my love to you. I thought I was your woman, I wanted to be your woman – your only woman, be all that you ever needed, all that you always wanted and I thought I was so why did you not owe me in the very least to tell me the truth? Why did you make me think that we could work through our relationship to where we wanted it to be…..but only for you to leave me with crushed hopes, dreams and a future instead.

 

I’m not questioning you why you did what you did……All I’m questioning is why you encouraged a hope of a future you knew would never exist and why you hurt me and never thought it OK to apologize. I want answers, not you but just straight forward answers.

I want you to be happy……..I want you to move on……..I want you to have laughter……..I want you to find true love and happiness……….I want you never to cry, to find contentment and to always be at peace but above all, I wish all the same for myself and that is why I got to…..have to……need to write you this four paged letter.

 

P/S – Sorry for the long post guys. It’s just I never post anything so personal and I wanted you my readers to relate to some of the pain that I’ve been through. There’s obviously 2 sides to every story……but here is mine, one that I suffered a heartbreak, the pain actually became physical.

 

 

 

 

 

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Of Cheating Husbands and Friendships..

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So my life lately has been very hectic, loads of shocking, interesting, jaw dropping, emotional, sexy stuff to write about but I live in great fear of mama ever finding out about this blog (in which case this blog would need to come down at the speed of light). Anyway, about my last relationship, this son of a bitch my ex-boyfriend cheated on me so much, most I never discovered until we were already broken up! I was so naive thinking I was wifey material and he’d marry me one day but obviously my mugu self was so blinded by love, I didn’t see him sticking his D in every female he came across. I really hope his dick falls off……….OK that is mean, the man needs his dick lol so I’ll rephrase and say I hope it almost falls off. That’s actually better and makes me look less of an evil person lol. I am not angry or bitter, I promise……..as a matter of fact, why am I still talking about him? I don’t necessarily like to reminisce about some of my biggest mistakes so let’s move on to other issues.

 

On today’s post……my very good friend and gossip partner phoned and told me that our mutual friend’s husband was cheating on her. The infidel!!!!! Hehe! I’ve always wanted to use that word in a non-terrorist phrase lol! Anyway, the infidel is banging their neighbour! Wonders shall never cease, I mean it’s so cliché. You should see this neighbour too, innocent looking woman who sings in her church choir and is always running errands for the church. It was just so unbelievable to hear! I mean her, the lady! Married and with kids too! The devil really has been working without rest! Anyway, my gossip partner and I are gisting when I ask if our mutual friend knows and she replies NO! Arrrrrrrrrghhhhh!!! See the panic that attacked my heart! I was like so why are you telling me!!? I have now entered the “she knew my husband was cheating on me and didn’t tell me” camp! I wasn’t liking this at all, I really wished I had been the last person in the world to know cause it really put me in a position I’d rather not have been in! My gossip partner and I  both decided that I didn’t know anything about this situation and threatened to drown her in acid if she ever mentioned my name.

 

Why am I choosing to distance myself from this drama? Well, here are a few reasons:

Husband has cheated before. She found out. She still stayed. She stopped speaking to the people who had informed her of this gist……and I don’t wanna end up like them, a statistic in friendships that ended badly lol.

He is always working late, having drinks with friends, family meetings……the list goes on and on but when it comes to her all of a sudden he is too tired, too busy.

He is always insulting her, even in my presence and that of other friends. She still stays. He calls her ignorant names like fat and girlfriend gets upset. He knows it upsets her but he still does it. Girlfriend isn’t even fat but does she stand up for herself? Hell NO. It pisses me off. Makes me wanna get violent with sharp objects.

This is just skimming the surface. Believe me, I can go on all day.

 

Girlfriend calls this morning and says she’s feeling sad. She complains about her husband and I listen cause that’s all I can do. I don’t want to give her the wrong advice but at the same time I feel like I should say something. I don’t know anything about marriage. I know nothing about what happens after the dancing at the reception and eating all the festive food. I have no clue on sharing a bed with a man for the rest of my life. I’m really in no position to judge so I won’t……..but I’ve had boyfriends even just men after me who have treated me better than girlfriend’s husband does to her. I just want to ask, is it all worth it staying in such a situation? Why? Why do people have such disregard for the feelings of others? Why is the world so full of cold, inconsiderate people who do nothing but steal joy, crush hearts and steal spirits? My heart breaks! Marriage is meant to be the reward of successful dating, not a slow death to one’s worth and esteem.

 

What do you guys think? Should I say something? What about you, how would you deal with my current dilemma? Help a sister out!

 

I’m blogging on my phone and it’s tiring!

 

Arghhhh…….here comes the mail guy. God, he is so hot! I’d love to tap that ass…….grrrrrrr! Maybe he should tap mine instead! Enjoy whatever you’re doing peeps! To my new followers, this update is for you……xxx

Manuals and Handbooks: How Not To Break Up.

How NOT to break-up..

Lately, my life has been quite hectic, plenty to tell but very little time. I start my new job this coming Thursday – better pay, better working conditions, much nicer area but worse snobbish clients, a girl could wish for more but for now, this will do. Went to see my new work colleagues last Wednesday…….the jury is still out but they seem like a pretty decent bunch. I have also been going on much needed night outs with my BFF and other friends and (drum roll) I MET A BOY. Trust me though, there’s nothing boyish about him, just pure, undiluted heart-stopping eye candy of a man straight out of the cover of Fitness Today  (OK maybe saying Fitness Today is really pushing it but he passed the selection process seeing as I am blogging about him lol). But before any of you start to get the popcorn out, nothing X-rated has happened yet but my heart still does treble flips every time I think of him. Will definitely blog about him in the following weeks.

 

So I was reading this article about men and why they choose to leave relationships. Personally, I think it’s OK to leave a relationship, after all, the pledge “Till Death Do Us Part” only comes at the point of marriage and any point before that people should be allowed to reconsider their options cause relationships are all about searching for something and in searching, you’re bound to follow a few blind leads. However and this is a big HOWEVER, I am not OK with the manner in which most guys….and girls (but mostly guys) choose to leave. Looking back at my own break-up experiences and those of friends, below are the following categories I have come up with. Please feel free to fit yourself in those that suit you best and comment with your experiences.

 

Like a thief in the night….

You spoke to him the previous night and he promised to pass by the following day, maybe you even make plans for the weekend. Come the next day or the next weekend and he doesn’t show up. You try and phone him and his phone goes unanswered. You phone his friends and they are all being evasive. He doesn’t call, he doesn’t pass by……nothing. No explanation. No good-byes. Doesn’t even have the courtesy to leave a forwarding address. It’s as if he has been wiped from the face of this earth. You alternate between thinking he had an accident, is laying in some mortuary or had to travel out for an emergency. Sometimes he may resurface with a stupid but totally plausible explanation. Other times you will ‘accidentally’ bump into him 6 months later at an event etc and he will try and feed you a cock and bull story about how he went through a difficult time in his life blah blah and that he can explain…….Give him a chance to explain and he is unable to. Maybe he will resurface on Facebook or Instagram but then sometimes, you just never hear from him again.

 

Like the second coming of Christ…

This one is different from the first. This person doesn’t disappear from the face of the earth but the break-up is completely out of the blue, totally unexpected, catches you unawares! You think you have a good thing going, maybe even making plans to move in together and you’re just there thinking this person is your one and all. They appear committed to the relationship, everything is going fine – your friends love him/her, your sisters adore him and his family is absolutely crazy about you.  You spend Valentine’s Day together, he buys you a big ass present for your birthday and all of your friends envy you………except one day out of the blue he says he’s sorry he isn’t feeling the relationship anymore and he wants space to clear his head, he says he just doesn’t know what he wants. In your head, you’re thinking, WTF!? Like when did you start to feel this way? Was it not yesterday you were calling me your future? But this is not a joke,  they are serious and just like that the relationship is over. No-one can believe you. You cannot believe it either. You really didn’t see this one coming, you thought you were happy together. Dammit!.

 

Don’t Shoot The Messenger…

This one is pretty humiliating. The person doesn’t have the guts to tell you it’s over so they send their mate to either hint or to tell it to you straight that the relationship is over. Sometimes his best friend will approach you with crap like, “I really like you as a sister and I’m only here to give you some brotherly advice…..Olu/Tendai/Donald is not serious about you and I think you deserve better as he is not ready to settle down yet….” That stupid statement is usually followed by something along the lines of “Trust me, I’m his friend and it hurts me that he treats like that…” or of the variation, “You are an amazing woman and will find someone who will treat you just how you deserve.” The speech will be so long and patronizing. The messenger will give the impression they are looking out for you when in actual fact are doing so for their friend who wants to dump you but doesn’t have the courage to do so themselves.

 

The Telephone Game….

I don’t know if any of you used to play the “telephone game” in their childhood? It’s that game where we’d all stand in a line and the first person in line would whisper a message into the ear of the next person……the message is passed down the line until the last person in line has to repeat what they were told out loud. Just try and imagine you being the last person standing in line (enough said). You know the kind of break-up where you are the last to know? Where everyone else is aware that he is no longer interested or that he is actually marrying somebody else? I know too many stories involving WhatsApp Messenger and engagement photos of someone you thought you were in a relationship with. Too many. This is just too humiliating. You get mad at everyone for not telling you of your relationship situation but the answer is always, We thought you knew!

 

With a Bang.

Self-explanatory. He has sex with you a few times. You start to get comfortable with the sex. He craves fresher meat. He dumps you (enough said)…

 

Hurricane Katrina…

He leaves behind him a trail of destruction, broken dreams. He leaves you devastated , destroys you, your whole being, your self-esteem – everything! He shatters your heart into a million pieces. Some of the damage is irreparable and some of it will be costly and will take time to replace. You are a broken woman. He leaves you feeling like you have lost everything you ever worked for, lived for. You cannot believe this is happening and especially to you. Sometimes you’re in denial, sometimes just so angry with God, angry at everyone. You keep wondering how it could have happened to you. You have to start afresh but just don’t know how.

 

Big Brother Style.

This is Big Brother and you have been evicted!!! OK. I get this one is self-explanatory. Your break-up is loud and messy. He doesn’t just break-up with you but wants the entire world to know every intricate detail. He is not just content with breaking up with you but wants to humiliate you as well. Hell, he would even put in a notice in the Sunday Times to announce your break-up if he could afford it. He is willing to tell anybody willing to listen what happened between the two of you. Your private life is laid bare. He will even share the juicy details of your sex life, maybe even call you a whore in the process. He will say how lousy you were in bed etc etc such that you just wanna crawl into a corner and die. The whole neighborhood now knows your business. The whole church knows you slept together on the first date. He will not rest until the whole world knows you are not together. You just want to crawl into your bed and hide and you are sick of all the calls people are making to your phone to ask if it is true.

 

The Fake Gentleman.

You know the drill, he wants to break up with you but is too much of a coward (or as guys like to claim he is too much of a gentleman to break up with you) so he does things to make you break up with him instead. This allows them to successfully pass the buck of the relationship ending on you when it was all they wanted all along.

 

Sex and the City Style.

Remember when Carrie got dumped via a post-it note? Or when Miranda turned up to see her boyfriend and was notified by his doorman that it was over? There are so many different variations of this i.e., text, email, instant messenger but all of them equally cowardly and very selfish.

 

It is not that there is ever a good way to breakup with someone and it will always be difficult and painful for one, if not both parties but I still think people should be able to break-up in a sensitive and bloodless manner. Unfortunately, things always end up badly……because if things were not bad to start with, they wouldn’t be ending at all but I think that it is always courteous to break-up with someone in person where possible. Please share your break-up stories so that I can know if I’m talking through my ass as usual.

 

P/S  – Although I am  aware of how people should not break up, I do not have any answers to how they should….if they need to at all……break up.