My Right To Hurt…..(The Rich Also Cry)

sad-teenager-girl-crying-sitting-floor-under-white-spot-light-dark-background-40834174

I’m so depressed, my boyfriend is cheating on me…

Ah, that’s not important, you have a good job….”

Can you believe what that Pamela has been going around saying about me? I’m so hurt!

“You complain too much sha, thank God you have such and such degrees..”

I feel so lonely, I wish I had a friend..

“With the amount of money you earn, I wouldn’t be worried about not having any friends, go shopping…”

I feel suicidal, I feel like I can’t cope.

“Don’t be ridiculous, so many guys are falling over themselves trying to date you….”

 

It’s not that I don’t count my blessings, I do, each and every day…..when I wake up and when I go to bed but it wouldn’t matter anyway  if I didn’t because I can name at least 30 people who would be happy and willing to count them for me. It’s not even that they need my invitation, NO, my ears are already ringing from their constant reminders of how lucky or blessed I am……You’re so lucky you have a good job, You’re so lucky you’re intelligent, You’re so lucky your parents are still alive, You’re so lucky you have such a close family. You’re so lucky you got that promotion. I really envy you. I wish I were like you. You are my inspiration, God has been really kind to you……..Arghhhhhhhhhh

 

Wouldn’t it drive you crazy as well? I’m so sick of it. It’s not that I am ungrateful, not at all, I more than anyone else know that God has been more than merciful to me but I feel suffocated by the need/expectations from people to show how eternally grateful I am for the small…….actually big mercies that God has shown me. It’s not the fact that people are constantly reminding me to be grateful that bothers me, it’s the fact that for some reason people believe that the traumas, misfortunes, problems, catastrophes that I have gone through are simply inconsequential and not worth recognising since my ‘countless blessings’ make up for whatever hurt/pain/humiliation I might be going through. For the same reasons, I am the type of person who has to wail loudly before someone recognises that I am in pain, weeping silently just won’t cut it and even when they finally recognise my pain, my feelings are instantly dismissed because they do not matter……simply because I have achieved more than the odds for a 25 year old African woman.

 

I never get to have a voice……this is the story of my life! I feel as though I am being punished for having achieved more, having conquered despite the odds even though I am where I am today through sweat, blood and tears. I hate the life that I have, not that it’s not wonderful but because I do not matter enough. People have stopped seeing the real me and have started seeing degrees, intelligence, a privileged upbringing etc. Sometimes I feel if I were to commit suicide, the first comments wouldn’t be of concern but those of reproach, What a waste, her life was great!  or She killed herself, why? I thought she had a good job and all…..(and NO, I do not plan on committing suicide).

 

From a very early age I learnt to shut up about my pain. I did not like to complain or let anyone else know that I was unhappy. I learnt to feel guilty for being unhappy which made me even unhappier, which then made me feel even more guilty and ashamed of myself, which made me even more depressed and then i’d feel even guiltier (if there’s even such a word) for being depressed when I should have been grateful …….in short, it became a vicious cycle.

 

It probably still is the same up to now. I still have to think twice before I tell my problems to people because I’d need to say them at least 5 times before they are taken seriously. I remember once after a very traumatic incident absolutely no-one comforted me and when I tried to reach out to people, they simply told me not to be silly, my life was good, how they envied me! I remember calling my cousin in tears telling her I couldn’t cope anymore……I remember her telling me not to be silly and to compose myself! I was the luckiest person in the world and a lot of people envied my life…..She said to me that she was cooking and that I should call her back when I have had a grip on reality. “Don’t be silly…”  she said, but if only she knew how close I was to the brink at that precise moment! Do you know that a large number of suicides are committed by people who are middle class or higher? Not that it’s a sport for the rich and fabulous or fantastic but statistics show that they are more suicides committed than by poorer people……I guess that is what they mean when they say Money Can’t Buy You Happiness….which is not true……it is because people are too busy thinking that your money should buy you happiness that they forget to make the time to ensure that you are really and truly happy .

 

I guess I am just sick and tired of having to shout in order to be heard. I’m tired of having to stand last in line when it comes to receiving compassion and kindness, cuddles and warmth from other people simply because I have been unduly blessed. Just because God has been merciful to me doesn’t change the fact that I am still human. I have insecurities. I have days that I feel ugly. Periods of time where I feel like the world is crushing on me, closing on me and I cannot breath. There would be days where I would require a shoulder to lean on. There will be months where I would gladly trade my life for yours, weeks where I won’t feel like getting out of bed, mornings where I weep and cry out to God, why me Jehovah? It doesn’t mean that I am ungrateful or have lost sight of the countless blessings that I have……it’s just that I am human and despite the countless blessings and the great mercies, if you cut me open I will bleed! So next time I am in despair and I could do with a friend, please do not recite my numerous blessings…..just give me a hug. I could do with a friend and not a blessings accountant.

 

“For sometimes late at night, when they lay naked in their beds with only the clock ticking to keep them company, long after the safes are locked and the banks are closed, well after their expensive clothes lie in the laundry basket and the jewellery is removed and the Jaguar is parked in the garage. Long after the stock market has closed and the house help has gone home and the curtains are drawn……..they are overwhelmed by a deep sense of loneliness …..sometimes the rich…….actually……..sometimes I, Felly, just like the rich, also cry!”

 

Thank you to my amazing family, especially my sister Mai Sama, who is relentless in ensuring my happiness. Thank you to my soldier – my mother, who would give up everything to see me smile. Thank you to my friends, Vee, Shannon, Sharon, Vimbai, Trish and Ashley, who listen to me rant day in and out without ever complaining. Above all, thank you to my Father – for without you as a friend and advisor, I would never have known true happiness. I appreciate your sacrifices for my happiness, daddy! 

 

Advertisements

The Morning After The Night Before.

6896801022_647f6a4b5d

So it was my birthday this past Wednesday and you’d think I’d have come back to an overflowing blog with birthday messages but bloody traitors, none of you Judas Iscariots (all non-Christians please see me) even remembered to celebrate my birth with me. I will be charitable though and announce that I have turned 23 again….2 years in a row!

 

I didn’t get up to much on my actual birthday, my work colleagues brought in cake and we basically declared half the day free as there were no managers on site. We watched daytime TV till 5pm when I had to leave for a family dinner and more cake! On Thursday I went out for drinks with a few friends, but I don’t remember much……which is why I need to stop drinking completely! I did take a rather interesting quiz though with results posted below but as I am still quite hungover, my answers may be seriously flawed!

 

Rules: This simple quiz may help you answer the question, Am I an Alcoholic? Give yourself one point for every YES answer. 

 

1. Should you worry about your drinking problem only when you get hospitalised for Liver Disease?

No. Definitely not! You should start worrying when you can no longer make it to the bathroom in time or the hangover hurts so much, you have to call in sick at work and use the excuse, “something escaped from the zoo and I had to help catch it”.

2. Have you ever ordered alcohol with lunch?

I have ordered alcohol instead of lunch so the answer is No.

3. At your local bar, do they know you by the name on your driver’s license/Fake I.D? Do they know your usual drink or who to call when you pass out?

I actually don’t have a usual drink. The usual changes according to the time of the month and is in relation to payday, how broke I am and the person paying for the drinks. The answer is NO.

4. You generally hang out with drinkers at the pub, sellers at wine and liquor stores and you have bartenders and waitresses as friends?

OK. This is stupid! Who in their mid-twenties still ‘hangs out?’ I socialise and I entertain, hanging out is for teenagers. The answer is NO.

5. You’ve mastered acting sober even when you are gone with the wind?

When I am gone with the wind, I act like I’m gone with the wind! Trying to act sober requires too much effort which I could easily put towards getting even more wasted so the answer is NO.

6. You drink all week then take a day off to recuperate?

NO. I don’t drink all week but I can drink one week’s allowance of alcohol in one day then take the whole week to recuperate so the answer is NO.

7. You’re very comfortable drinking alone, whether at home or at the pub.

I never drink alone because I’m too stingy to buy my own round of alcohol. Also, technically you can never drink alone in a pub because you are surrounded by other drinkers. The answer is NO.

8. Do you drive better drunk than when sober?

Well, I have never entered a “Do you drive better drunk than sober” contest to test my driving skills so I couldn’t accurately answer this question. However, I have never had an accident driving drunk or sober so simple logic would indicate that my driving skills either when drunk or sober are very similar so NO.

9. Does your drinking make you careless of your family’s welfare?

NO. I would never put my family through risks they are unwilling to take. If I’m going to be driving with my toes when drunk or at 185mph in a 20 mph zone, I will ask them if they are willing to be in the car and I will carry out a thorough risk assessment beforehand i.e., ask if they are wearing their seat belts so the answer is NO.

10. Is drinking making your home life unhappy?

My home life is unhappy for a variety of reasons, none which include my drinking. In actual fact, drinking makes my home life seem less unhappy so the answer is NO. (BTW, what do you mean by home life? If you live with your 3 cats, does that still constitute homelife?

11. Do you drink whenever you can but occasionally decide that a sober night with your sweetheart would be cool?

This question is irrelevant because I do not have a ‘sweetheart’. I’d have to answer NO to this.

12. Is drinking affecting your reputation?

NO because for that to happen, I’d need to have a reputation in the first place. I was either born without a reputation or I have managed to completely tarnish it into non-existence so the answer is NO.

13. Do you wish people would just mind their own business in relation to your drinking? To just stop telling you what to do?

I just wish people would mind their own business all the damn time and not just in relation to my drinking! As a matter of fact, I wouldn’t mind people all up in my drinking business if it means they will stay out of my home/work/lifestyle related business so the answer is NO.

14. Every morning you wake up with the curiosity of the night before and a headache?

Not every morning! I mean who wakes up with a headache every morning? Surely you’d have visited the hospital a long time ago or registered disabled by now? Besides, I wake up not wanting to remember the night before rather than be curious about it so the answer is NO.

15. Do you sometimes skip breakfast or lunch so that you can have enough money to spend on drinks?

NO. I earn enough money to be able to have both breakfast and lunch and still afford to go out for drinks so the answer is NO.

16. You’re always drunk and can longer handle your drink.

NO. I can definitely handle my drink! To illustrate this point more clearly, I had at least 6  cocktails on Thursday night and my sober cousin told me this morning, “You didn’t even seem drunk at all…” so the answer remains NO.

17. During arguments, do people quickly concede your point rather than risk dealing with you when you’ve gotten drunk?

People concede my points because I make so much sense, also, I am very convincing! Besides, until I have the stamina of Floyd Mayweather, I’d never be confident enough to deal with people so the answer is NO.

18. Do you drink at a certain time everyday?

If you craved a drink everyday at a certain time, it’d be pretty weird wouldn’t it? I’ve occasionally craved a drink everyday but sometimes at 7:15am, sometimes at 12:47pm and sometimes at 16:00hrs! I’m yet to crave a drink at the same time everyday so the answer remains NO.

19. Have you been in financial difficulty as a result of your drinking?

Please refer to question 15 but in case you need further clarification: I was already in financial difficulties way before I even started drinking! Also, when I have drunk all my money nearly to the point of financial difficulty, I am wise enough to put away my wallet and let someone else in the pub pay for my drinks so the answer is NO.

20. Have you ever had complete memory loss as a result of your drinking?

This is just ridiculous! I mean how would I know if I had complete memory loss if I had actually had complete memory loss? Just for the record, I have had partial memory loss like forgetting where my house is but getting the street right so the answer is NO.

21. Has your doctor ever treated you for drinking?

I have never had an illness called “Drinking” therefore never been treated for it. Is it similar to the Flu? I must remember to check that out on Google.

22. Have you ever been in a hospital or institution on account of drinking?

What do you mean by ‘institution?’ Are you referring to a school institution like a university or college or a health institution? I’ve been in a hospital and not because I was drinking but someone who had been drinking had whacked my friend with a bottle so YES, I’ve been in an institution on account on drinking, just not my own.

23. Do you tell yourself you can stop drinking when you want to, even when you keep getting drunk when you don’t mean to?

I always get drunk on purpose so NO.

24. Do you turn to lower and inferior companions when drinking?

LOL. I wish I could answer Yes to this question cause it would be really funny if my friends, who also happen to be my drinking companions ever read this. Anyway, what do you mean by ‘lower’ companions? Do you mean people poorer than me or is it a politically correct term for prostitutes? The answer is NO. I am definitely very open and adventurous when it comes to drinking and all alcohol related activities. I don’t discriminate!

25. Does drinking cause you to have difficulty sleeping?

Actually, drinking makes me sleep better! I go out on a Friday night and sleep through Saturday to Monday morning in recuperation so NO, drinking hasn’t caused me any difficulty falling asleep!

26. Has your alertness and efficiency decreased since you started drinking?

I don’t understand this question but I will endevour to answer it as best as I can. I have never been energy efficient. I do not recycle and I always dry my clothes in the tumble dryer so NO, my energy efficiency has not decreased! If you mean efficiency at work then you are better off asking my manager but in my honest opinion, I haven’t been efficient at work. The only thing stopping me from being fired is my lecherous boss so the answer is NO.

27. Are you definitely worried about your drinking as a result of this quiz?

Definitely not! If anything, I am more confident and sure of my drinking capabilities, which shall remain as were before this quiz!

 

Scoreboard: 

0-1   It is safe for you to head to the drinking cabinet/bar.

2 -3  Watch that drink and work towards getting rid of that beer belly.  

4-5    You’re most likely to be an alcoholic

6-10   Join your nearest AA meeting

10+     I’d have suggested you slit your wrists but that would be classed as “….inciting someone to commit suicide” which is a federal offense and I am unwilling to go to prison on that account.

 

So I have 1 YES and 26 NO’s! It is confirmed, contrary to what my mother, pastor and everyone thinks that I, Felly am not an alcoholic! This calls for a celebration! Anyone care to join me at the pub? The 1st 87 rounds are on me!

 

** the questions are real but the scoreboard is not**

 

 

Sexnorexic!

9ea564ee40d533ce12cbba3b1c7b237a

This post was actually meant to be up at some point last week but it’s almost my birthday and I’ve been stressed……worried I mean! Not only would I be adulting on a whole new level but the “she’s young and stupid” excuse would no longer apply, also, that small issue of finding a husband……which basically shouldn’t apply to me as I am still celibate! I just think marriage is an outrageous expectation of me, given that some of the decision making factors are out of play, however, celibacy has been hard. It’s a bit like being locked in a room with a buffet of all your favourite food and told not to eat a thing. I am worried I have become sexnorexic but I bet this will make mama proud, for not only does she preach abstinence but damn well ensures it is practised with the ruthlessness of an African dictator.

 

I went to bed last night thinking of a multitude of things and playing out scenarios in my head. I do this a lot……roll out an entire theatre, complete with main and sub actors. I dramatise it as well for maximum effect. I am more of an escapist, I hate confrontations unless they are in my head. Anyway, what was I saying…..oh yes, sex. It’s nearly 70 days without any sex and my loins are starting to burn a hole in my lacy underwear, they basically need putting out and I just can’t jump any hapless man like a hyena on heat, I might injure him or myself for that matter. Need to do something about it cause it’s affecting my work. Last week while in a meeting with some colleagues about risk assessment of a drug of some sort……I wasn’t really listening, only went cause there was a cake trolley and I was volunteered in my absence. Anyway, whilst unashamedly stuffing my face with cream cakes I kept staring at all the men’s crotches…..bad form I know but no bulges in sight. Conclusion: All the men in the risk assessment team have small willies…..oh well, at least they get paid very, very well. See what I mean by celibacy affecting my work? I need a new distraction!

 

After work I went to the Cinema solo……the ticket girl…..with lots of zits on her forehead kept giving me the “I pity you smile” all through. I decided to freak her out by staring at her without blinking (I had my afro hair and no make-up), she soon dropped that stupid smile and wouldn’t even look at me as I collected my tickets…..I purposely let my hand go over hers for dramatic effect, she flinched! I laughed so hard in my head and went to watch My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2. Don’t judge.

 

Got home and watched Snapped: Women Who Kill….God, I feel like an outcast typing this you know! It’s like admitting to fancying serial killers but I do like reality crime and I record all episodes on the CI and Investigation Discovery channels. I should be ashamed of myself and start watching conversation-friendly shows like Real Housewives of Atlanta and Downtown Abbey.

 

I went to bed wearing an ex’s T-shirt……not by choice, all nightwear is either in laundry or packed as I am moving home soon. The alternative would have been naked. Insomnia set in and I decided to call my brother in the US knowing fully well that he was asleep. I told him I was pregnant and didn’t know who the father was. He went quiet for a few seconds then said, “You’re so fucked! Mama is going to incinerate your ass!!!” With him woken up, we spoke for 20 minutes about his girlfriend…..the one he wants to dump but is too scared! Coward! Actually, I shouldn’t be too hard on him, she’s so scary! I met her before and she has this permanent eerie smile constantly…….even when we watched Gone With The Wind…..everyone cries after Gone With The Wind, she didn’t.

 

My brother stipulated…..yup, that’s the word he used…..that I must get a man this year. Mama had told him that my other ‘unmarried’ BFF had just been married on April 2nd and her and daddy were getting increasingly concerned regarding my lack of initiative in the matter. I told him to get off my case, men are not displayed in the ‘Reduced to Clear’ section of the supermarket! He insisted…..his word again……that I address the issue or I’ll end up a spinster with my 8 cats. I don’t have any cats, even though I am thinking of getting one. I asked how many spinsters he knew with an Anya Hindmarch  handbag casually draped on their shoulder? I told him before I get a boyfriend, I must get laid first, then I will be ready.

 

My brother told me to get off the phone, he wanted to sleep…….I did…..but not before I told him that his girlfriend had emailed me wedding gown pictures!

 

So back to my initial midnight thoughts……What was I thinking of? Oh yes, how good it’d feel to be cuddled up with my coconut head resting on a man’s chest! Even celibates deserve to have wishful, happy thoughts. I fell asleep and dreamt being chased by cats the size of elephants! Go figure.

 

Disclaimer: I am not pregnant by unknown men. This is important to note as my mother may have discovered this blog and do not want her hurling me to the priest in urgent need of an exorcism…..or better still, exorcise that demon out of me herself!

 

Happy Saturday folks! The sun is shining in Scotland!