I live in a small space inside my head, crammed with random thoughts about love and life. My life is constantly making a career out of a job, searching for the one whilst juggling weight loss priorities and a friendship with my mother.
He ran the circus! The Joker! He should have won an Oscar because his performance was immaculate! He had been spectacular, unbelievable, so out of this world! He deserved to get a Hollywood Star. He was a performer, a comedian, a joker!
But one of his jokes….
The witty kind, you know, complicated humour. The type that nearly crossed the line between sarcasm and cruel humour. They all laughed! The audience, the spectators, the crowd – they laughed, big belly fulls of laughter! Some sniggered, some hooted, some even danced with glee, but mainly everyone laughed at the spectacle in the Circus Ring. Everyone laughed except me. I was oblivious, I did not get it. I’m normally the witty, comic type but this time the joke was lost on me.
But everyone else got the joke….
So they laughed and they hooted and cried with joy all through the show.
It was a freak show! They all laughed at the helpless clown tied up in knots it could not loosen. The Joker! Damn, he was excellent at his show for they all got the punchline! Yet I didn’t! I failed to grasp it.
Months later when the Circus had left town, when the freak show had been over…..
Long after the laughter had all died down, long after the sniggers had faded and the Joker’s Show was only remembered as a ‘Hit from the Past’, when it had all become a distant memory….
It suddenly dawned on me,
Like a bright light shining on me, I got it, the joke!!
I understood it! After all this time I finally got the punchline. It had been so simple! I could see the Circus Ring more clearly. I could even name the cast and I completely got what the joke had been about.
While they had laughed, the audience, the spectators, the observers at the Circus Ring. While they giggled and snickered big belly fulls of laughter as they watched the joke unfold…
And when I eventually got the joke months later,
I never laughed, I cried! In fact, I sobbed! Big belly full guttural cries.
I cried because I knew then, what I had failed to see back in the Circus Ring had been our life together, our relationship – The Circus! And you had been the Joker and I the Clown….
I realise now that I had been too blind to grasp, for all that time, all that while…
From your very first act to the final curtain call…
I wasn’t going to write to you cause there was no point whatsoever in doing so. I mean if you never realized it back then you certainly won’t realize it now, even if I were to write it in blood and hang it on a 10 foot banner on the tallest building. I thought writing to you would be weakness on my part but I am not weak, in fact, I refuse to be weak and even though I am still not strong, I refuse to give in to my weakness. My friends said I should tell you (or write to you as I have chosen). They said that I owe it to myself. They said that only after I have poured out my heart to you……actually not just my heart but my pain too….would I be able to release my demons and be completely free and ready to move on. My friends reminded me that I had already moved on physically because I had managed to get up and walk and get on with my everyday activities but they also said that I had left my soul behind at that precise moment that you had broken and stamped on my heart and that I had to go back and pick up my heart even though it was all broken and in shreds – for it was mine and without it, I was restless! I was told that I was losing sense of the woman I am because a part of me was still trapped in the day my heart was shattered. My friends said that I needed to heal…..but I could not heal without being cured…..and I could not be cured until I got the right treatment…..but for me to get the right treatment I needed to know the source of my pain. They suggested that I go back to the source of my pain and face my demons so that I could to tell them to flee but for me to be able to do that I needed answers……and that is why I am writing you this Four Paged Letter.
I could be the bigger person and say I hope this letter finds you in good health but I really have no strength to pretend so I’ll just say it as it is. I don’t wish you well but neither do I wish you any harm, and if that makes me any less of a woman then I’m quite happy being a child. As I’m typing this, my heart feels what my lips cannot convey – I have so much I want to say to you but I just don’t know the words, I can only feel them. I have unanswered questions that only you can answer but the same questions I’d much rather have unanswered. I feel like a horse that was being groomed to compete in the races. Day by day the horse was trained and was made to work twice as hard and when the horse was finally ready for the races and fit enough to compete, the owner cut off its legs so that it wouldn’t compete. If you can understand this analogy then welcome to a fraction of my pain.
I loved you…..but please don’t ask if I still do because even I don’t know if that question even has any answers to it but right now, this hour, this very second I feel more pain than love…..more hurt than disappointment and more hate than remorse. I am not hurt because you are no longer mine, Oh No, how can that be? How can I own what was never mine, what I never had? Even the Law states that ownership is 3/4 possession and I never possessed you, I thought I had but in reality, I never really. It’s not the fact that the relationship is over that hurts, it’s not even because I loved you or the timing was wrong….(you could have timed it better though, it had just been 3 weeks after I had lost a child – our child, something that we could have loved for the rest of our lives, someone who would have added meaning and enrichment to our existence)….What hurts is that I meant so little to you when you were my entire world. It hurts that you encouraged me to fall further deep in love with you only for you to crush me and walk all over the my suffocating heart without even paying my pain any attention. It hurts that you packed up your heart – which was already packed and belonging to somebody else and bolted out of my life.
When you were wondering what to do with your life, I supported you. I was there for you. I felt and shared in your pain when you were going through a rough time. I spoke to God about you more than I did about myself……I know it meant little to you, wasn’t much in your eyes but I did it anyway and I did it with my heart because I believed in you. I mean how could I not believe in you when you were the man that I loved? I wanted us to work despite it all – I breathed us, wanted and prayed for us to happen. You told me that we would be OK, that you wouldn’t give up on me and I believed you. I was doubtful at first but you assured me that even though things seemed confusing for the moment, you would sort it out and we would do just fine. I was scared but I took a leap of faith….or at least I thought I had. I had to, at least for once in my life give up myself to somebody wholeheartedly and risk it all for true love – an elusive emotion that I can’t even touch! I loved you…..and you knew that you were everything that I had hoped for, prayed for and that I had waited all my life for you. I supported you together with your dreams and aspirations, why wouldn’t you do the same for me?
What did I ever do to you that you felt you needed to hurt me like that? Did I mean so little to you that you never wished the best for me? I gave you my all and you at least owed me that. I put my life on the line to love you, I shifted my plans around to accommodate you (remember my move to the Midlands to be closer to my family and how it never happened because of you? Because all I wanted was to be close to you…) I have so many questions that only you can answer. I honestly believe that if you could treat me the way that you did then you honestly never cared, after all, love knows no spite. I remember how you told me that you loved me, I was your world – were those all lies? Did I ever, even for a second make a fleeting stop to your heart? When you said you’d always love me, flaws and all, were those just words? Why did you encourage me to fall in love when it never meant that much to you, WHY? It’s like you put a pavement beneath me to walk on and as I was starting to walk, you pulled that pavement from beneath me and caused me to fall into a deep hole. You took away the belief that I had in love and now love shall forever be tied to my heart breaking.
You might not have thought about it at the time…….it was never your problem, not your problem because I should have known better than to love someone to emotional bankruptcy but if you had truly loved me then the impact of my heart breaking wouldn’t have escaped you……you would have been man enough to apologize for it. You have probably moved on…..well, of course you have but I am not jealous. I will let you go because I love you…….I loved you and it’s the least I can do to prove my love to you. I thought I was your woman, I wanted to be your woman – your only woman, be all that you ever needed, all that you always wanted and I thought I was so why did you not owe me in the very least to tell me the truth? Why did you make me think that we could work through our relationship to where we wanted it to be…..but only for you to leave me with crushed hopes, dreams and a future instead.
I’m not questioning you why you did what you did……All I’m questioning is why you encouraged a hope of a future you knew would never exist and why you hurt me and never thought it OK to apologize. I want answers, not you but just straight forward answers.
I want you to be happy……..I want you to move on……..I want you to have laughter……..I want you to find true love and happiness……….I want you never to cry, to find contentment and to always be at peace but above all, I wish all the same for myself and that is why I got to…..have to……need to write you this four paged letter.
P/S –Sorry for the long post guys. It’s just I never post anything so personal and I wanted you my readers to relate to some of the pain that I’ve been through. There’s obviously 2 sides to every story……but here is mine, one that I suffered a heartbreak, the pain actually became physical.
Lately, my life has been quite hectic, plenty to tell but very little time. I start my new job this coming Thursday – better pay, better working conditions, much nicer area but worse snobbish clients, a girl could wish for more but for now, this will do. Went to see my new work colleagues last Wednesday…….the jury is still out but they seem like a pretty decent bunch. I have also been going on much needed night outs with my BFF and other friends and (drum roll) I MET A BOY. Trust me though, there’s nothing boyish about him, just pure, undiluted heart-stopping eye candy of a man straight out of the cover of Fitness Today (OK maybe saying Fitness Today is really pushing it but he passed the selection process seeing as I am blogging about him lol). But before any of you start to get the popcorn out, nothing X-rated has happened yet but my heart still does treble flips every time I think of him. Will definitely blog about him in the following weeks.
So I was reading this article about men and why they choose to leave relationships. Personally, I think it’s OK to leave a relationship, after all, the pledge “Till Death Do Us Part” only comes at the point of marriage and any point before that people should be allowed to reconsider their options cause relationships are all about searching for something and in searching, you’re bound to follow a few blind leads. However and this is a big HOWEVER, I am not OK with the manner in which most guys….and girls (but mostly guys) choose to leave. Looking back at my own break-up experiences and those of friends, below are the following categories I have come up with. Please feel free to fit yourself in those that suit you best and comment with your experiences.
Like a thief in the night….
You spoke to him the previous night and he promised to pass by the following day, maybe you even make plans for the weekend. Come the next day or the next weekend and he doesn’t show up. You try and phone him and his phone goes unanswered. You phone his friends and they are all being evasive. He doesn’t call, he doesn’t pass by……nothing. No explanation. No good-byes. Doesn’t even have the courtesy to leave a forwarding address. It’s as if he has been wiped from the face of this earth. You alternate between thinking he had an accident, is laying in some mortuary or had to travel out for an emergency. Sometimes he may resurface with a stupid but totally plausible explanation. Other times you will ‘accidentally’ bump into him 6 months later at an event etc and he will try and feed you a cock and bull story about how he went through a difficult time in his life blah blah and that he can explain…….Give him a chance to explain and he is unable to. Maybe he will resurface on Facebook or Instagram but then sometimes, you just never hear from him again.
Like the second coming of Christ…
This one is different from the first. This person doesn’t disappear from the face of the earth but the break-up is completely out of the blue, totally unexpected, catches you unawares! You think you have a good thing going, maybe even making plans to move in together and you’re just there thinking this person is your one and all. They appear committed to the relationship, everything is going fine – your friends love him/her, your sisters adore him and his family is absolutely crazy about you. You spend Valentine’s Day together, he buys you a big ass present for your birthday and all of your friends envy you………except one day out of the blue he says he’s sorry he isn’t feeling the relationship anymore and he wants space to clear his head, he says he just doesn’t know what he wants. In your head, you’re thinking, WTF!? Like when did you start to feel this way? Was it not yesterday you were calling me your future? But this is not a joke, they are serious and just like that the relationship is over. No-one can believe you. You cannot believe it either. You really didn’t see this one coming, you thought you were happy together. Dammit!.
Don’t Shoot The Messenger…
This one is pretty humiliating. The person doesn’t have the guts to tell you it’s over so they send their mate to either hint or to tell it to you straight that the relationship is over. Sometimes his best friend will approach you with crap like, “I really like you as a sister and I’m only here to give you some brotherly advice…..Olu/Tendai/Donald is not serious about you and I think you deserve better as he is not ready to settle down yet….” That stupid statement is usually followed by something along the lines of “Trust me, I’m his friend and it hurts me that he treats like that…” or of the variation, “You are an amazing woman and will find someone who will treat you just how you deserve.” The speech will be so long and patronizing. The messenger will give the impression they are looking out for you when in actual fact are doing so for their friend who wants to dump you but doesn’t have the courage to do so themselves.
The Telephone Game….
I don’t know if any of you used to play the “telephone game” in their childhood? It’s that game where we’d all stand in a line and the first person in line would whisper a message into the ear of the next person……the message is passed down the line until the last person in line has to repeat what they were told out loud. Just try and imagine you being the last person standing in line (enough said). You know the kind of break-up where you are the last to know? Where everyone else is aware that he is no longer interested or that he is actually marrying somebody else? I know too many stories involving WhatsApp Messenger and engagement photos of someone you thought you were in a relationship with. Too many. This is just too humiliating. You get mad at everyone for not telling you of your relationship situation but the answer is always, We thought you knew!
With a Bang.
Self-explanatory. He has sex with you a few times. You start to get comfortable with the sex. He craves fresher meat. He dumps you (enough said)…
He leaves behind him a trail of destruction, broken dreams. He leaves you devastated , destroys you, your whole being, your self-esteem – everything! He shatters your heart into a million pieces. Some of the damage is irreparable and some of it will be costly and will take time to replace. You are a broken woman. He leaves you feeling like you have lost everything you ever worked for, lived for. You cannot believe this is happening and especially to you. Sometimes you’re in denial, sometimes just so angry with God, angry at everyone. You keep wondering how it could have happened to you. You have to start afresh but just don’t know how.
Big Brother Style.
This is Big Brother and you have been evicted!!! OK. I get this one is self-explanatory. Your break-up is loud and messy. He doesn’t just break-up with you but wants the entire world to know every intricate detail. He is not just content with breaking up with you but wants to humiliate you as well. Hell, he would even put in a notice in the Sunday Times to announce your break-up if he could afford it. He is willing to tell anybody willing to listen what happened between the two of you. Your private life is laid bare. He will even share the juicy details of your sex life, maybe even call you a whore in the process. He will say how lousy you were in bed etc etc such that you just wanna crawl into a corner and die. The whole neighborhood now knows your business. The whole church knows you slept together on the first date. He will not rest until the whole world knows you are not together. You just want to crawl into your bed and hide and you are sick of all the calls people are making to your phone to ask if it is true.
The Fake Gentleman.
You know the drill, he wants to break up with you but is too much of a coward (or as guys like to claim he is too much of a gentleman to break up with you) so he does things to make you break up with him instead. This allows them to successfully pass the buck of the relationship ending on you when it was all they wanted all along.
Sex and the City Style.
Remember when Carrie got dumped via a post-it note? Or when Miranda turned up to see her boyfriend and was notified by his doorman that it was over? There are so many different variations of this i.e., text, email, instant messenger but all of them equally cowardly and very selfish.
It is not that there is ever a good way to breakup with someone and it will always be difficult and painful for one, if not both parties but I still think people should be able to break-up in a sensitive and bloodless manner. Unfortunately, things always end up badly……because if things were not bad to start with, they wouldn’t be ending at all but I think that it is always courteous to break-up with someone in person where possible. Please share your break-up stories so that I can know if I’m talking through my ass as usual.
P/S – Although I am aware of how people should not break up, I do not have any answers to how they should….if they need to at all……break up.
I have never considered myself to be completely/absolutely, undeniably stupid or foolish but on occasion, if asked to rate my behavior on a scale of 1-10, with 1 being extraordinarily clever and 10 being utterly stupid, I’d rate myself a 9.3 (and that’s with such leniency applied lol). Now I know I wasn’t born an idiot, I cried when the midwife slapped my bottom and I took to breastfeeding like I had read the manual so I am convinced that my transition to idiocy must have happened overnight. I must have been struck by lightening and in a flash turned from reasonably intelligent to thick, as only explains the events of my life since May this year. If there’s anything the last 3 months have taught me is that there comes a point when sharing stops being caring and becomes plain foolishness, especially when the shared thing in question is a man.
I have always had this annoying (and now I realize incredibly stupid habit) of trying to push my ex-boyfriends onto my friends. Now I have mentioned before that I remain friendly with some of my ex’s and I guess my fucked up philosophy that if he turned out to be wrong for me then he just might be right for one of my friends and in turn, it wouldn’t have been a pointless 5 months/1 year/3 years spent with him. Instead, God would be using me for a higher purpose as they wouldn’t be my flaws that would have pushed him away. Hey, I did say it’s a fucked up philosophy, I meant it LOL.
So anyway, 3 weeks ago I decided to try and force an ex of mine onto my friend. Now, this has never worked before for the obvious reasons cause who in their right mind would:
a) Want a girlfriend hooked up by their ex who may or may not have a vendetta against them?
b) Want a man who is their friend’s reject cause why else would he have been dumped if he didn’t have a million and one flaws?
c) The whole idea just screams desperation and no-one wants to be seen as desperate (even when they are really desperate lol).
But on this occasion, luck or so I thought then was on my side. A friend of a friend had been single for a considerable length of time and ex-boyfriend…..well, I didn’t know much about his love-life, I had sort of stopped taking his calls and put down his contact under my list of Back-Ups.
Anyway, friend of a friend visited my flat and I spent that evening extolling the virtues of ex-boyfriend. I lied, exaggerated and unashamedly made up stuff where I didn’t have a clue and it worked. At the end of the evening, friend of a friend was drooling, eyes watering and savoring at the thought of bagging ex-boyfriend. She asked for his number and literally called him there and then – girlfriend wasn’t taking any chances. I felt like saying, Girl, slow down but I held my breath. They spoke the entire night, the morning after and the following afternoon and it was then that I started to have slight misgivings that maybe my idea wasn’t so bright after all……but unfortunately, that horse had already bolted.
Friend of a friend kept calling me to thank me and to ask for advice tips, what he liked blah blah and a part of me wanted to sabotage the whole thing and the other part just really happy for them, after all, it’s already been established that God was using me for a higher purpose, right? The ex on the other hand was pulling out all the stops – freshly plucked roses by next day delivery, chocolates and lingerie pick-ups, handwritten notes and little poems under pillow (via friend asked to sneak it in). I was jealous. I was starting to think that maybe our break-up had been a little too hasty, maybe I had taken him for granted and never realized all he had to offer and now there he was, taking a friend of a friend all the way to the moon and back when it could have been me, ME in that cockpit of that spaceship .
Friend of a friend then calls me about 2 weeks after I had first introduced them and said they were finally going to meet for their first date the following Friday. Girl was excited. She went on and on about how cool he was, how romantic he was, how sexy his voice sounded blah blah. I listened but deep down, was screaming – I bloody dated the guy for a whole year, remember? She decides to end the call by saying, “You must have been a fool to let him go, U know? Because he seems like such an incredible guy…”
Theeeeeen……my friend calls and diplomatically asks if I could get rid of all my photos with ex-boyfriend as it wasn’t appropriate anymore, given the current circumstances. (Let me point out that I had an entire photo album full of ex-boyfriend and I on a romantic break before we parted ways. I hadn’t disposed of the album simply because a) I looked stunning in all of the pictures and b) I had so much fun on that gate-away and wasn’t about to delete memories cause she felt uncomfortable. Hell, if she was uncomfortable, she wouldn’t have agreed to date him in the first instance).
So the Friday they finally met and apparently, it didn’t go so well. My friend informed me that for some reason or another (I will not speculate lol), ex-boyfriend decided that all he wanted was to be friends blah blah. The phone calls have now nearly but all stopped. They are now no more chocolates and poems underneath her pillow and that bought sexy lingerie can now be archived. I am not gloating, best believe but I am somewhat relieved. Needless to say now, my friend and friend of a friend remain mad at me. They think I set her up or something. She phoned me and hurled all kinds of abuse and rants about him being an ass and me hooking them up. I mean, talk about being ungrateful – was she not the one a few days ago claiming I was a fool to have let him go? Bad case of Alzheimer’s if you ask me.
I hadn’t cried in a while but I cried after taking that abusive phone call. I didn’t cry cause I still loved the guy – NO, I’m currently in love with an amazing man and couldn’t have possibly wanted an ex back. I cried cause the situation was getting increasingly complicated. I cried cause I wasn’t prepared to lose friends over something so trivial. I cried cause of all the photos I had destroyed to accommodate friend of a friend being comfortable. I cried cause only a fool breaks her own heart…
But I definitely do feel sorry for friend of a friend though as I genuinely thought they had a good thing going. I hope that in time, we will all be able to laugh this incident off but never again will I attempt something as foolish as to try and yoke up my friends to an ex boyfriend.
Have you ever thought of, bumped into, looked at pictures, reminisced about an EX and thought, What the fuck was I thinking ever being with this person? You know that point when your rose-tinted glasses come off/get broken and you can see the person clearly for the serial cheater, lazy ass thug, loser, good for nothing, jobless piece of shit that they really were? Okay, maybe not so dramatic but you realize anyway so many months after the relationship is over that you were definitely short-changing yourself in a number of ways and you most certainly deserved and could definitely do much better? Well, if you haven’t, I have…
Some of them Ex’s are dead funny – you can laugh it off as I was young and stupid and I didn’t know any better but some of them ain’t so funny. I mean when you hear that he got arrested for rape or now has 6 children with 3 baby mama’s or he beats up his wife or is now dying of HIV or it’s now 5 years down the line since you split up and he still can’t hold down a decent job or maybe he spends 23 hours a day stone drunk, it is at this point that you get goosebumps on your flesh cause you keep thinking, OH MY FUCKING BALLS, that could have been my husband!!!! It is in that moment that you do your happy dance, breathe a sigh of relief and thank God for not always granting prayers but sometimes dragging us out of potential fires and frying pans even though we fervently prayed for Him to let us be yoked to these potential frying pans till death do us part. Who knows the kind of lives we would be living right now if we had remained yoked to these WTF kinda dudes?
Sometimes we are so eager to be with someone just to make things work simply because we love them, such that we become ridiculously short-sighted and live for the day, forgetting to think realistically – whether or not we could spend the rest of our lives with a man who is always drunk and cannot hold down a steady job or who keeps getting into trouble with the law and several baby mama’s. I don’t believe that love is blind cause 97% of the time we are aware that he is violent, cheats, controlling, a drunkard etc but we tend to brush it off thinking that he will change, it’s just a phase or it’s really not a big deal…..but wait until you have children together who needs fed and clothed and he spends all of his income on bitches, popping bottles in the club and you’re in the A&E day in, day out cause of those bruises he tattooed on you whilst drunk then you can tell me it’s just a phase, OK dear. My aunt taught me one important thing (not that I always follow her advice) but she said never to date a man I cannot envisage as a potential father to my children. As women, we have this stupid mentality that ‘love conquers all’ but the more important question is what is that ‘ALL’ that love is conquering? Is it all the drink, conquering all the bitches, drugs, infidelity, unemployment, recklessness or violence? I will admit, love conquers some things and some problems but when it comes to some of these problems that we expect love to conquer…..Hell, even Napoleon’s army would be lucky to come out of the battle alive.
Generally, I’m proud of my EX’s, proud of who they are, what they have managed to achieve and the possibility that by being in their lives for a year or 2, I might have contributed to the success of the men they are today. However, I do have an X that I wish I could just discount when logging the little black book of ex-boyfriends, the one I’m too embarrassed to introduce to any of my friends and the one that will make me change direction when I see him coming. With this ex, I try so hard to introduce him to people as an ‘old friend’ rather than an ex-boyfriend – he gives me a WTF moment whenever I think of him, see him or any of his pictures.
My WTF Ex-boyfriend didn’t do anything as dramatic as having 3 baby mama’s, do time in Her Majesty’s Prison or get arrested for a criminal offence….his crime was failing to make something of himself. OK, let me explain for a lil bit before you label me shallow. We started dating when I was 18 and he was 20. First love, first fuck, first everything. I loved him when he had nothing and he loved when I had nothing – he then gets his first job as a cashier in Burger King and I get mine as a Support Worker. One year later, we are still dating, I get into LAW School and he is still at the checkout in Burger King. A few years later, exactly 2 years after we started dating, we split up, nothing to do with him being at Burger King, a lot to do with him being violent and controlling but that’s a story for another day…
So roughly 4 years since I knew him, I get my LAW Qualification and he is still at Burger King. To cut a long story short, I go back to college to start on a new qualification and all, I even get a full-time professional job and dude is still at Burger King, not even promoted to Floor Manager, working with 16/17 year olds as a 26 year old man with no ambition whatsoever in life (I have nothing against working at a fast-food chain, after all, they have corporate ladders you can climb).
So every time one of my friends walks into the branch of Burger King WTF dude works in, they always make it a point to rub it in, making silly jokes like if I had been married to him, I’d have been entitled to free burgers and fries for 6 years running and all I can think of is what the fuck?……OK! I must admit though, there was a time I didn’t feel this way, a time when I was seriously in love with him and wanted to spend the rest of my earthly and eternal life yoked to this guy but that is way, way back in the past and as for now, what I feel when I think of him, see him or reminded of him is What The Fuck…..WTF……..WHAT THE FUCK!?
p/s – for the record (just so I don’t get hassled by the men on here), I’m sure there are WTF kind of girls out there too.
Most blogs are dedicated to one particular "thing" (for lack of a better word) like fashion, music, love, blah and blah but I realized that I want this blog to be about me and me is fashion, music, love, blah and blah. So my get ready for a mixed bag of blahs!