I’m Sending You This Four Paged Letter….

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*Emotional Post Alert*

To Whom It May Concern…

 

I wasn’t going to write to you cause there was no point whatsoever in doing so. I mean if you never realized it back then you certainly won’t realize it now, even if I were to write it in blood and hang it on a 10 foot banner on the tallest building. I thought writing to you would be weakness on my part but I am not weak, in fact, I refuse to be weak and even though I am still not strong, I refuse to give in to my weakness. My friends said I should tell you (or write to you as I have chosen). They said that I owe it to myself. They said that only after I have poured out my heart to you……actually not just my heart but my pain too….would I be able to release my demons and be completely free and ready to move on. My friends reminded me that I had already moved on physically because I had managed to get up and walk and get on with my everyday activities but they also said that I had left my soul behind at that precise moment that you had broken and stamped on my heart and that I had to go back and pick up my heart even though it was all broken and in shreds – for it was mine and without it, I was restless! I was told that I was losing sense of the woman I am because a part of me was still trapped in the day my heart was shattered. My friends said that I needed to heal…..but I could not heal without being cured…..and I could not be cured until I got the right treatment…..but for me to get the right treatment I needed to know the source of my pain. They suggested that I go back to the source of my pain and face my demons so that I could to tell them to flee but for me to be able to do that I needed answers……and that is why I am writing you this Four Paged Letter.

 

I could be the bigger person and say I hope this letter finds you in good health but I really have no strength to pretend so I’ll just say it as it is. I don’t wish you well but neither do I wish you any harm, and if that makes me any less of a woman then I’m quite happy being a child. As I’m typing this, my heart feels what my lips cannot convey – I have so much I want to say to you but I just don’t know the words, I can only feel them. I have unanswered questions that only you can answer but the same questions I’d much rather have unanswered. I feel like a horse that was being groomed to compete in the races. Day by day the horse was trained and was made to work twice as hard and when the horse was finally ready for the races and fit enough to compete, the owner cut off its legs so that it wouldn’t compete. If you can understand this analogy then welcome to a fraction of my pain.

 

I loved you…..but please don’t ask if I still do because even I don’t know if that question even has any answers to it but right now, this hour, this very second  I feel more pain than love…..more hurt than disappointment and more hate than remorse. I am not hurt because you are no longer mine, Oh No, how can that be? How can I own what was never mine, what I never had? Even the Law states that ownership is 3/4 possession and I never possessed you, I thought I had but in reality, I never really. It’s not the fact that the relationship is over that hurts, it’s not even because I loved you or the timing was wrong….(you could have timed it better though, it had just been 3 weeks after I had lost a child – our child, something that we could have loved for the rest of our lives, someone who would have added meaning and enrichment to our existence)….What hurts is that I meant so little to you when you were my entire world. It hurts that you encouraged me to fall further deep in love with you only for you to crush me and walk all over the my suffocating heart without even paying my pain any attention. It hurts that you packed up your heart – which was already packed and belonging to somebody else and bolted out of my life.

 

When you were wondering what to do with your life, I supported you. I was there for you. I felt and shared in your pain when you were going through a rough time. I spoke to God about you more than I did about myself……I know it meant little to you, wasn’t much in your eyes but I did it anyway and I did it with my heart because I believed in you. I mean how could I not believe in you when you were the man that I loved? I wanted us to work despite it all – I breathed us, wanted and prayed for us to happen. You told me that we would be OK, that you wouldn’t give up on me and I believed you. I was doubtful at first but you assured me that even though things seemed confusing for the moment, you would sort it out and we would do just fine. I was scared but I took a leap of faith….or at least I thought I had. I had to, at least for once in my life give up myself to somebody wholeheartedly and risk it all for true love – an elusive emotion that I can’t even touch! I loved you…..and you knew that you were everything that I had hoped for, prayed for and that I had waited all my life for you. I supported you together with your dreams and aspirations, why wouldn’t you do the same for me?

 

What did I ever do to you that you felt you needed to hurt me like that? Did I mean so little to you that you never wished the best for me? I gave you my all and you at least owed me that. I put my life on the line to love you, I shifted my plans around to accommodate you (remember my move to the Midlands to be closer to my family and how it never happened because of you? Because all I wanted was to be close to you…) I have so many questions that only you can answer. I honestly believe that if you could treat me the way that you did then you honestly never cared, after all, love knows no spite. I remember how you told me that you loved me, I was your world – were those all lies? Did I ever, even for a second make a fleeting stop to your heart? When you said you’d always love me, flaws and all, were those just words? Why did you encourage me to fall in love when it never meant that much to you, WHY? It’s like you put a pavement beneath me to walk on and as I was starting to walk, you pulled that pavement from beneath me and caused me to fall into a deep hole. You took away the belief that I had in love and now love shall forever be tied to my heart breaking.

 

You might not have thought about it at the time…….it was never your problem, not your problem because I should have known better than to love someone to emotional bankruptcy but if you had truly loved me then the impact of my heart breaking wouldn’t have escaped you……you would have been man enough to apologize for it. You have probably moved on…..well, of course you have but I am not jealous. I will let you go because I love you…….I loved you and it’s the least I can do to prove my love to you. I thought I was your woman, I wanted to be your woman – your only woman, be all that you ever needed, all that you always wanted and I thought I was so why did you not owe me in the very least to tell me the truth? Why did you make me think that we could work through our relationship to where we wanted it to be…..but only for you to leave me with crushed hopes, dreams and a future instead.

 

I’m not questioning you why you did what you did……All I’m questioning is why you encouraged a hope of a future you knew would never exist and why you hurt me and never thought it OK to apologize. I want answers, not you but just straight forward answers.

I want you to be happy……..I want you to move on……..I want you to have laughter……..I want you to find true love and happiness……….I want you never to cry, to find contentment and to always be at peace but above all, I wish all the same for myself and that is why I got to…..have to……need to write you this four paged letter.

 

P/S – Sorry for the long post guys. It’s just I never post anything so personal and I wanted you my readers to relate to some of the pain that I’ve been through. There’s obviously 2 sides to every story……but here is mine, one that I suffered a heartbreak, the pain actually became physical.

 

 

 

 

 

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